When You're Lost: 1

Sometimes a person understands in his mind what is happening to him, or he may find understanding in his heart. But there are other times when a person feels devoid of any understanding or feeling. This is referred to in Kabbalistic terms as לית לה מגרמה כלום, she has nothing of her own. The person can only continue to exist by discovering help from outside himself, be receiving. In other words, he relies on, is supported by, is pulled by and drawn by something which he does not understand, feel or know. This is called Emunah.

Emunah is found when one is in a state of utter emptiness. Kabbalah refers to it as מלכות, Malchus. This state if the epitome of Creation.

If the person has any understanding or feeling about the situation then he is not in pure "receiving" mode. He is still inputting from himself. This state is only when a person feels completely empty of his own devices and has only Emunah to which he can cling.

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 6

A person may follow what his heart tells him is the will of Hashem. This was the path of Pinchas who acted in a manner that Halacha would not have instructed him. But he and Hashem knew that what he was doing was the true and proper path for himself. This is evident by his being rewarded by Hashem by becoming a Kohen; a position for which he was until then not eligible.

At times a person will find himself in such a situation. He begins to have self doubts, "Who do you think you are to decide that you are listening to Hashem's voice?" He starts to wonder if he isn't perhaps being self-delusional and not standing in a place of truth.

He needs to understand to himself that his truth stands above all other truth. That  "I am wonderful in the eyes of Hashem. Hashem rejoices constantly at the holiness of my soul. Hashem will give me, also, his Covenant of Peace." This is the connection that can be created through proper prayer.

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 5b

When a person prays at the grave of a tzaddik he should be focused on the inner meaning of the teachings of the tzaddik and to use the inspiration as a vessel to receive a deeper understanding of those teachings. The same is true when one studies the Torah teachings of a great sage. By focusing on the inner meaning of the teachings he can become a vessel to bring forth deeper meanings that have not yet been discovered. Even if he is learning what he has learned before and it is already familiar material, he can receive new understanding. When he connects to the mind of his teacher he can understand even thoughts that were not incorporated in the words of his works.

Letters are precise and confining, and the light they contain is more than can be seen in black on white. As the Talmud teaches, "One who gives, gives with a generous eye." The sagacious author has put more of himself into the words than meets the eye. By allowing oneself to completely connect to the words one can discern what he hid within.

A person can feel the truth in what he is learning, that he has touched on the inner words of the author. He feels as if he is standing before the sage hearing things that have never yet been revealed. He feels the joy of the author that he has found a befitting vessel to absorb his words and who is discovering new insights.

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 5a

A true and complete connection to another enables the recipient to comprehend the inner heart of the bestower even in the absence of explicit words. Conversely, the bestower absorbs the mind of the recipient. This includes even words and ideas that have never been expressed.

This is the meaning of the Talmudic statement that a wife performs the will of her husband. She comprehends his will even when it has not been expressed. She knows what is in his innermost heart even when he hasn't expressed it to himself. This is the sign of a true connection.

The reason that will may not have been expressed yet to himself is because he lacks the vessel in which to express it. For example a person who carries within himself new Torah insights but does not share them as he fears that he has no one who will appreciate them. His inner self will only be expressed when there is someone who can accept and retain it. It is only in the merit of the vessel that the will expressed and actualized. She doesn't merely do his will she actualizes it.

This can be true in any relationship, teacher and student or between friends, in each case there is a bestowing of light. One party feels that he is receiving something that is not from himself and makes himself into a receiving vessel by giving himself over to the light. If, however, he does something inwardly that shows resistance to receiving, the giver will feel that his power to bestow has been stopped. His vessel is gone, the relationship is sundered and he cannot continue to bestow. He will refrain from expressing his inner self.

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 4b

Traditionally when people arrive at a holy place or time they contemplate that which is occurring in their lives. They think about the thoughts that are coming up in their minds and allow their souls to follow the faint lights that are flickering within. Within them they find inspiration that is coming from the special place or time in which they find themselves.

Take La B'Omer as an example. It is seen as a time when one can connect to the teachings of Rebbe Shimon bar Yochai. People learn his teachings and rejoice in his story. Imagine how special it would be if he would actually appear to a person with words of encouragement! How amazingly uplifting! Those who come to his grave on Lag B'Omer understand that the feelings that are in their hearts when they are standing there are also coming directly from him.

This is true hearing - opening the heart to receive the messages of the particular time and place. If one arrives there with pre-determined notions of what he wishes to accomplish there he will never hear these voices as he has already decided what it is that he will hear. But if one arrives empty and open, prepared to absorb any new inspiration that will come his way this year - not limited by his own vessel, but whatever is offered to him - he will come away with what heaven has in store for him that day. For a long time he will be able to relive that experience of the words Rebbe Shimon said to him.

The same is true anytime one enters into prayer. He should be coming not only to speak what is on his mind, but also to receive that which is spoken and given to him. Not only that which he is predisposed to hear, but prepared to receive and learn from whatever Hashem tells him.

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 4a

A poor person can approach a potential donor to seek food or cash with empty outstretched hands to receive that which is offered to him and receive great bounty. On the other hand, one who is destitute can come to a rich person's home with a small and narrow vessel which he has brought from home. He lacks the knowledge of how to collect donations in any other manner. He knows every nook and cranny of the pushka which he is carrying. Every day it is filled with the pennies people toss inside it, and he is reluctant to give it up. A donor may desire to offer him a donation that cannot possibly fit inside, but the poor person, refusing to give up his meager vessel, does not allow the donor to have that opportunity.

Similarly, a person may come to a holy place to pray. She needs help with a pressing problem, or she may be seeking inspiration. Rather than recognizing the opportunity presented before her - those spiritual powers that are present in this unique place - she arrives with pre-conceived notions that she is carrying with herself. She wants the salvation to fit itself within those pre-conceived notions. Awaiting her are gushing founts which can alter her entire existence, but she is standing there with her tiny pushka. She is repeating over and over the minutiae that inspired her to come here, but she neglects to empty herself of the baggage with which she has arrived to be open to be uplifted and to receive something greater. The holiness is speaking to her, but is not absorbed within. She is too busy trying to escape to receive.

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 3b

A person may have trust in the holiness of his heart and know that the voice of Hashem is speaking to him. It is an inner voice which is shining the way to his true path. He is not being drawn to ways that are foreign to the Torah - everything to which he will listen will be within the bounds of those things that lead a person to greater love and fear of Hashem and more diligence in Mitzvah observance. It is, however, the time for his to absorb which of the seventy facets of the Torah is appropriate for him at the present moment. What path, what thoughts in the heart that resonate with his inner spirit should he utilize before Hashem.

This does not mean one should only listen and not speak. One should surely share with Hashem all the trials and tribulations of his day. But he is doing so with the intent of giving himself over to Hashem and listening to what he hears. By sharing all with Hashem he realizes that he has nothing truly of his own and that by making himself a vessel for the light of Hashem he will have life and accomplishment.

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 3a

Even amongst those who come to hear there are two levels. There are those who know beforehand what it is that they will hear. They are excited with anticipation about the inspiring words they will hear. They appreciate the words of comfort and encouragement that Hashem will say to them or, perhaps, the sharp words of rebuke that will frighten their souls and give them no rest. They know what they have learned about what to take out of a prayer experience and are coming to see what they studied come to fruition.

As the person begins his prayer experience he knows what it is that he will come away with. He is coming to focus and renew that of which he is already aware. As the world churns around him he is engaged in focusing to connect to his inner-self. As wonderful as this is, it is not real listening.

Real listening requires the person to initially completely empty himself. He needs to be prepared to hear and embrace a new insight in his soul - whatever it is that Hashem shines in his Nefesh. Since he believes that Hashem is with him, indeed He fills all of existence, he has no doubt that Hashem loves him and is concerned about his well-being. Hashem hears, knows, sees, and constantly shines before him the path on which he should walk. When the person is communicating with Hashem he therefore is ready to accept any instruction, plain and simple. It is not far for him, it is close, within his mouth and heart as is obvious to anyone who has engaged in this type of prayer.

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 2

When a person speaks with Hashem, during formal or informal prayer, he is uniting with his Creator. A person can choose to speak, to open his mouth and share all that has occurred with him. Everyone begins their communication in this way, to present their truth from the place where they are at the present. But one who is in speaking mode sees this as the primary purpose of his connecting with Hashem. He feels that by pouring out his heart he has completely fulfilled his need to pray. But frequently he doesn't find anything specific on which to focus and finds it a difficult process as he doesn't know what to pray for. He then needs to come up with all sorts of ideas as to how to get himself to pray in that state.

By contrast there are those who understand that prayer time is listening time. A person can connect to Hashem in any state in which he finds himself and to pay attention with his spirit and soul to hear what is being said to him at that moment. Hashem speaks to a person through his heart

A Heart to Know and Ears to Hear: 1

When a person engages in Hisbodidus he enters into a shining spiritual existence akin to רוח הקודש, Divine Spirit. At this time he is being spoken to, and he should listen with the ears of his heart.

This is true anytime that a person finds himself at a time of favor from Hashem, when he can easily praise Hashem and make requests. It is a time of purity for a person when he can absorb things. The windows of his soul can open to hear what the Universe is saying to him. It is telling him the word of Hashem. People have always gathered on holidays to spend hours together soaking in the purity and holiness of what the times have to tell them.

It is important to understand that in these situations there are different levels of hearing.

A person may come to a sage for advice. Some people come only to make themselves heard. They are oblivious to what is being said back to them. Others come to listen, but they have already decided before they arrive what it is that they will be willing to listen to. They mix themselves into the words of the sage in order that they ensure that they are told what it is that they desire to hear. They, too, are not really prepared to hear what is being said to them. It is often clear that the sage wishes to transmit a particular message and the the person refuses to accept it.

One who truly hears isn't coming to press his own agenda or to choose what will be said to him. He comes simply to listen. He comes to take advantage of an opportunity to receive direction, whatever it is. To listen to it and to act upon it.

The Desire to Give: 5b

Rather than trying to bring the light of Hashem into your own vessels, pick yourself up and be a vessel for lights that are greater than the wildest dreams heart and mind. This is the light that comes from communicating with Hashem with total trust. Even though these are not levels that you comprehend and can seek and request ahead of time, that shouldn't bother you. Why would you wish to remain stuck in your present understanding?

Anyone who wishes a relationship with Hashem has to first entice themselves with intellectual reasons, שלא לשמה, similar to the six days of the week which precede Shabbos. They can then glimpse the truth, לשמה, which is Shabbos. He can now comprehend that everything else was merely an introduction and the inner sanctuary is something entirely different. He can now serve Hashem from a position of closeness, on a level he never knew existed and never felt missing.

One cannot remain on this level constantly without a break. A person needs to return over and over again to those levels for which he hungered and where he began and from there to rise again.

The Desire to Give: 5

People initially begin to serve Hashem by attempting to understand lofty concepts or spirituality. In this manner, what they are receiving is being poured into their own vessels. They are then spurred on too go further to arrive at self-nullification before Hashem and connection. In this manner their own vessels are being incorporated within the light of Hashem.

Many stumble when they reach the second step. They think to themselves, "We were seeking spirituality, true joy, and to be saved from base desires. We never asked to be encouraged to reach heights which we never contemplated. And now, because of our increased understanding, we have become nullified before the Light of Hashem which we don't want. We wished to fill our own vessels which felt empty, and we feel we ended up with something else.

This is the line of demarcation between those who are self-serving and those who are God-serving. The first person ends up losing out on both ends as described above. He doesn't find what he seeks and gets something in which he has no interest. But one who is prepared to truly serve Hashem understands that what he has accomplished is beyond his capacity. But what does he care as he is now a vessel close to the Bestower which is something else entirely.

The Desire to Give: 4b

A teacher may have stored in his mind deep secrets that he is unable to share with everyone. He seeks a student who can be the vessel to receive his teachings. A student who, so to speak, is the repository where the teacher can deposit the inner secrets of his brain; the roots that can grow anew in fertile soil. They cannot be shared with everyone, only with a student who uniquely understands his teacher.

In the same manner every person is a vessel in which Hashem wishes to deposit his secrets so they can grow into a revelation of His glory. Each person as the vessel he has been chosen to be. When a person comes to connect to Hashem he should understand that he is placing himself as the vessel in which to receive the secrets of his Master.

"When a person wants to speak with Hashem, Hashem pushes aside all of His concerns with which he was, so to speak, occupied, and focuses solely on the person who wishes to speak with him, and express his desire for closeness." (Rebbe Nachman)

For a moment of relationship with Hashem it is worth dealing with all the resulting responsibility, even if it is difficult. When a person sees the fruits of his relationship, those activities which have revealed the glory of Hashem, he is not frightened to return again. On the contrary he is inspired to connect to Hashem again.

The Desire to Give: 4a

In the olden days (unlike these days) a traveling peddler would travel with his wife. When they would arrive at an unfamiliar destination, there would be doubt as to their chances of making any profit there. They would leave their belongings at the local inn and go their separate ways. The husband would go to seek out money-making opportunities, whereas the wife would reconnoiter to find where she could purchase food and other needs to keep the household running. She might spend many hours learning the location and availability at the local shops and then, when her husband would return from his wanderings, be told that this is not a place where they would be successful selling. Despite all of her efforts to learn her way about town, as well as to unpack and organize things at the inn, she is now informed that they need to pack up and be on the move once again. After some years she learns that she never knows how long they will be in any one place or when they will suddenly be on the move again.

This was how the Jewish Nation lived for forty years in the desert. There were times they camped and then a day later they were on the move again. at other times they would camp for a month or longer. It all depended on when Hashem would send them a sign by the cloud beginning to move. This is the trust that a person needs to have in Hashem. To be prepared to go wherever Hashem sends him whenever Hashem sends him.

It is for this reason that Dovid HaMelech is compared to the moon. The moon changes based on what the sun sends to it. So too, he was the vessel for what Hashem would want from him. Each day it could be something different. One day's understanding has no bearing on the morrow. Trusting Hashem to do what He wants now.

The Desire to Give: 3

Sometimes a person's soul thirsts to pour out its heart to its Creator. It wishes to connect to its source. This is what we have described earlier as eliciting from Hashem a desire to give into the vessels of the recipient.

Other times the heart feels no burning desire to connect, it feels that it is lacking nothing at all. It enters into communication with Hashem only to fulfill the will of Hashem to be a faithful servant in whatever manner He desires. Each day to do whatever new task Hashem places before him. This is the "son of the maidservant," who has no will of his own and is completely given over to what is wanted of him. This is a lofty level of awakening to receive and to be found close to the Giver.

This is very difficult. If the recipient is thirsting to receive he knows his place and what he is doing. He knows and brings what he has accomplished in the past and is coming to build on them something greater. But one who comes to be taken to the level of the Giver has no knowledge of what he is entering into and what he is going to receive. He isn't thirsty either.

This is what Hashem described with regards to Moshe as פה אל פה אדבר בו, mother to mouth I speak to him, in my entire home he is trusted. This is Hashem giving from Himself and not just filling the vessel of the recipient.

The Desire to Give: 2

We can learn about these two levels by examining the dynamics of marriage. A woman might choose to marry because she is simply tired of being alone (טב למיתב טן דו). In this case the desire to marry is with her vessels. Another woman might feel that it is her destiny to find her soul-mate and be his help-mate. She feels lost and incomplete in the absence of such a relationship. When she marries it is because she is desiring the complete connection that marriage will bring. In this case she is entering into the marriage prepared to awaken her husband and become his vessel.

This distinction also exists between someone who was distant from Judaism and came closer, and someone who was born close. The one who was distant seems to have the advantage of coming from his own thirst and desire. But as he feels empty, it can be that he is only trying to fill his own vessels. Dovid HaMelech referred to himself as, "Your servant the son of your maidservant," he was always connected to Hashem. He had none of his own vessels, everything that was him was given to Hashem. He was always telling Hashem, "You have your will and what you want done, I am completely given over to be your servant and vessel to accomplish your goals." In his way he was receiving on the level of the giver. (The person originally distant can bring himself to this point as well.)

When the Jewish Nation left Egypt they had been in slavery and needed to be freed from it. They had a need for freedom which they understood and that need was filled. In the future redemption the people will not know beforehand how the redemption will manifest itself and what the "new light" will be. As a result they do not feel its lack and are not thirsting for it. That light will not be in their vessels, but in those of the Bestower. They are aware that there will be a redemption, but a lack of understanding of what it is, causes a lack of pining for it.

The Desire to Give: 1

Whenever there is an outpouring of spirituality from a bestower it is always preceded by an awakening on the part of the recipient. It is this awakening which then awakens the bestower to give.

The Ariza"l explains that there are two types of awakenings on the part of the recipient. We will explain them clearly as they are the basis for understanding many aspects of relating to Hashem.

The first one is when the recipient desires to receive light from the Bestower. This awakens a desire on the part of the Bestower to give. When he then receives he is receiving the light of the giver in his own vessels. The recipient was lacking, it was his lack that has now been addressed.

The second is yet higher. This is when the Bestower has a desire to give for his own reasons, and the recipient increases that desire by saying, "I am ready to receive that which you wish to give from yourself." This is not now a relationship that is primarily from the recipient, on the contrary, the recipient's main task is to serve as the vessel to receive from the Bestower what the Bestower wishes to give. Rather than the Bestower giving on the recipient's terms, as in the first example, in this case the recipient is raised up to receive on the Bestower's terms.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 6

We can now apply what we have been discussing to one's relationship with Hashem. A person should not approach Hashem with his external self only, "These are my accomplishments... these are my mistakes," and mistakenly think that this is the basis of his entire relationship with Hashem. Rather he should come with the great and eternal inner love that Hashem feels for him. Hashem will shine on a person and raise him up so that he can arrive at this moment of connection. From that a person draws the ability to overcome the fact that in his external life he is not yet perfect in his service of Hashem. By building up the inner connection he can be at peace with the external.

This is because any visible external beauty (i.e. proper Mitzvah performance) is secondary to the deeply rooted goodness of the person which makes Hashem proud. It should be evident that if one comes to connect to Hashem and instead focuses on what she has or hasn't done, she is forgetting that Hashem is looking forward to a real inner connection.

The manner in which Hashem created the world is one in which the external is more evident to the eye. Within is found the beautiful godliness which gives existence to the rest. Even though we are living within that world in which there is an external revelation of the presence of Hashem, we need to remain focused on the fact that it is in the inner world where our hearts really belong.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 5

When one is focused on the external it is possible to be immediately engulfed in passion and to feel very connected. However, very quickly it will become evident that you are in a lose-lose situation and have not even touched on the most fundamental aspects of a relationship.

By contrast, when one is focused on the inner beauty, the essential beauty of the other person's soul (rather than on their superficial strong and weak points), then it is a longer path. However, it offers the opportunity to connect soul-to-soul and to create a love that is not dependent on anything. The external beauty is secondary and serves what is primary - the inner connection.

This is how true Shalom Bayis and tranquility can be created. Even if one party has real deficiencies (e.g. is very forgetful, can't be relied on as far as punctuality is concerned) since the other person draws the life of the relationship from the inner connection, peace reigns. Or if one is very financially successful or brilliant and the other is lacking these, they do not have to become factors that disrupt the relationship. Each one is happy for the other with what they have and is drawing life out of the essential connection they share.

This is why people who are very different can have strong friendships. This is because the friendship is not predicated on external factors

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 4

People who are focused on the superficial are always trying to figure out how to connect to what they receive from others in a relationship. They do not appreciate and feel the essential power of a soul-level connection.

They frequently focus on what it is that they need to do to prevent a severing of the relationship due to the differences between them. They do not deal directly with any differences that they have. Even if there is an inner point of connection it is never truly expressed and remains hidden from them.

This is one of the issues with using graphology or other methodologies to learn about someone. They define a person in terms of his or her strong and weak points and make it more difficult to see beyond the preconceived notion to the inner person. For the person himself these tools make it more difficult to see who he truly is.

In any relationship that involves give-and-take if the giver is always seeking something external to justify her giving the relationship will not last. Any small change, even one that may not be easily discernible, will cause distance and dissension as there is nothing internal connecting them. Even the good points of one of them can cause separation if they are not shared by both of them.

However if he finds in the recipient an inner beauty (בטח בה לה בעלה) then the relationship can withstand even significant differences and issues that may arise. All external issues are nothing in the face of an inner connection that captures the heart.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 3

With all this background we can now discuss how to create a relationship based on an inner connection rather than one that is superficially focused.

Friends who share a soul-level connection see each others inner beauty and not that which is only skin deep. The inner is the essence of a person's existence, it is the deeply rooted beauty that defines who he truly is. The outer appearance need not bear at all on the inner relationship. Things such as intelligence, success and beauty are not affected at all by an inner relationship.

If any of these things (intelligence, success, beauty) are the basis of the love, the love will not last. It is אהבה שתלויה בדבר, love which is dependent on something, and is worthless. In the best case scenario any of these things can be the entre-point to a real connection, but in that case they ultimately are a distant secondary factor. The point of friendship is centered on the inner beauty, the connection to what the person truly is and not to those things which are apparent and of value to outsiders.

Initially a person may think, "How can I connect to someone who is so superficially different than I am?" But if he believes that each person contains a holy soul within, he will discover that just as each person has an inner point of righteousness, so too he has an inner point of friendship which is his unique manner of connecting to the light of Hashem. By recognizing this, as time passes a person can come to touch and comprehend (to grok) the inner soul of his friend and appreciate him for who he is and not for anything superficial. By doing so, the center point of their relationship is established.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 2b

Because of the distinctions between people it is necessary to find a way for the center point of connection to be expressed in external conduct in a manner that is comfortable for the other party. How do you act in light of the fact that each person is an individual in order that you do not negatively affect the point of connection. This is an issue even if the behavior in question is not directed at the relationship itself.

This is also an issue when it comes to any friendship or any give-and-take relationship. Besides the relationship there is also individuation which can cause that the inner connection is not fully expressed externally. It is essential to find a way to deal with the external issue so that everything else runs smoothly.

The highest form of connection is that to Hashem. Hashem gave us the Torah and Mitzvos as a means of enabling the internal connection to have an external expression. In this relationship, unlike the others, there is no true differentiation. Hashem created the world and man in such a way as to have the perfect opportunity to express the relationship.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 2a

There is a very fundamental concept to remember about relationships. In addition to the connection forged by the relationship, each party to the relationship remains their own individual person. In addition to their individual selves there is a point of connection that they share. This is the inner connection, the love and connected hearts. However, the external behavior they each demonstrate separately is born of the fact that they remain themselves and are not identical to each other.

This is why the Torah permits the possibility of divorce. Write a few lines on paper and the relationship is ended. Or if a spouse dies after decades of marriage the surviving spouse may marry another as if the long relationship never existed. The reason is because even though the relationship was a point of connection for the two, but they still remained individuals. If the point of connection has ended, the individual still remains.

This is very important to keep in mind. One party to a relationship shouldn't feel that the other must change his or her nature to be similar to the other. The front wall of the house can't become the side wall, it is only by each wall performing its unique function can the house stand. The walls form the space in which the house becomes habitable. So, too, in an interpersonal relationship. Each party has his or her own unique way of doing things which remains even within the bounds of the relationship.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship:1b

When an inner relationship exists all the externalities can be arranged so that everything works smoothly. If, for example, a woman is not an expert in some aspect of house-keeping - something which her husband needs - if they have an excellent internal relationship they will have the skills to solve this side issue and make everything right between them. In this way, the inner relationship is shining light on the outer. The fact is that working on external issues without first solidifying the inner relationship is ultimately a waste of time. As they are not internally in sync they have no foundation on which to find external solutions. The trick is to focus initially on the internal, perhaps to allow in to affect the external somewhat, but to continue focusing on the internal so that the two hearts are communicating.

The same is true when a person's heart is complete with Hashem with true love. If in his Halachic observance there are certain areas in which, despite his efforts, he is lacking he may feels distant from Hashem in consequence and feel lost as to what to do. If he comes to an understanding rabbi who properly understands the application of Halacha and understands people as well, the rabbi will advise him on how to conduct himself in accordance with his own abilities and personality. By following the prescription he will then feel connected to Hashem externally as well.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship :1a

Picture two people who are in many respects very close however one of them has a behavioral quirk that really annoys the other. That behavior will affect the entire relationship. Even though it is external and is not a byproduct of what they share in their hearts, without it being corrected it will cause them to go their separate ways. If they can find a way to rectify this superficial issue then all the pieces will fall into place because internally everything is solidly based.

In every relationship there are two key elements: the internal relationship and the superficial. It is necessary to unite the two and build the internal until it is expressed externally as well. If the parties to the relationship are focused only on the superficial aspects of the relationship and their is no emphasis on the internal then they are lacking the main point of a relationship. It is love that is dependent on external matters and it can't last. Even the slightest issue can destroy it. If the focus is on what is primary and they build the internal properly then the relationship will evolve to be expressed superficially as well, like a soul in a body.

When we speak of the superficial or external we should understand that there are two aspects. Some are very superficial, e.g. a man likes sweet foods, his wife only likes salty foods. There is little reason why this can't be worked out. The other aspect would be if one spouse is smarter than the other. But an inner connection is one which is based on חן (just appreciating the person for who he or she is) which is something else entirely. When that exists, everything else can be worked out.

Being in the Present: 3

To appreciate the depth of the concept of being in the present it is necessary to understand that it is not only a manner of being in the now as opposed to yesterday or tomorrow, but it also means being in your present situation. In whatever state a person finds himself he needs to bring the light into himself, and not to assume that the light is to be found elsewhere, either in a past situation or future one.

Imagine a young man who hears an inspirational speech and incorporates the messages he hears into his present life situation - school, young adulthood. A few years later he finds himself married and looking again for inspiration. He goes to listen to the same speaker again and this time he comes away uninspired. The reason is because he is hearing the same speech and is hearing it in the way he heard it years before. It no longer applies to him.What he needs to do is listen to it from his current perspective.

He is  not relating to the light. The light is always the same, it is the receiving vessel that changes. He thought these words were only applicable in his youth and he cannot bring himself to relate to them in adulthood. He needs to recognize that they apply to him now as well. In the future when he has new challenges that are not currently facing him as he begins to build a family and career, he may again fail to incorporate the light in his situation. He will again need to realize that he needs to renew his appreciation of what he is hearing.

If from the beginning he was truly connecting to the light and seeing its truth, he could apply it to whatever vessel he became - whatever situation he found himself in throughout his life. He could take the situation and figure out how to deal with it, how to shine the light on the present. This is truly living with the present, to fully comprehend and live with the present, not to need any new light as the vessel changes.

Being in the Present: 2b

Removing ones-self from thoughts about the future means that the person is entering a state in which he doesn't know what is going to happen. That's very difficult. He feels empty, helpless, wondering and lost, and full of worry. It is at this moment that Hashem says: Stop wondering about the future. This moment is my communication with you. Listen to it and be OK with it.

The idea of not seeking to know the future goes beyond the concept of not seeking out fortune-tellers and the like. Even one who feels a lack of calm because he doesn't know what the future will bring is also seeking to know the future. One needs to live with the moment in the moment. To be OK with the present. Whatever he is feeling and living through right now. Not just not escaping to the future, but to be connected to the present. This is one of the main accomplishments of Hisbodidus.

If one consults necromancers and soothsayers he can easily engage in Teshuvah as he realizes he has sinned. But what we are discussing is a much more subtle concept and much more difficult for a person to grasp how damaging it is and how to rectify. It is much harder to change.

Being in the Present: 2a

Hisbodidus is synonymous with תמימות, being completely with Hashem. Rashi on the verse "You should be complete with Hashem your God," comments "walk with Him with completeness. Look towards Him and do not seek the future. Rather, whatever He brings upon you accept completely and then you will be His and in His lot."

"Do not seek the future," the point is that we need to connect to the present and not to escape to the future. There is no such thing as thinking about the future. After all the future is non-existent and how can one be in something that doesn't exist yet? Really, all thoughts about the future are thoughts about the present. The person is contemplating the future based on his present assumptions of what the future will be. Where he really is, is in the present. This is analogous to contemplating infinity. The finite mind cannot grasp that which is infinite. How can infinity be bound? Rather it is a finite view of infinity. So too are current thoughts about the future.

This is the meaning of not seeking the future; a person needs to live in the present. Be completely in the present; in the moment. The more one runs to the future, the more one is entering the mindset that he can actually control the future. He is missing something now so he connects himself to the future when he assumes he will have it. By thinking in that way he is escaping the current reality, rather than immersing himself in the "now" and seeing what "now" requires of him.

Being in the Present: 1c

A person can only come to these understandings by spending time engaged in Hisbodidus, private time connecting to Hashem. We will discuss later that a person's inner self is as much a part of him as are his ribs. He can't truly see himself for what he is, for good or for bad, without someone else separating it from him and bringing it before him. Similarly, there are parts of a person's soul that are disconnected from belief, he is unaware that certain issues that plague him need no explanation, they are part of his destiny. He needs to come before Hashem in order for Hashem to open him and show him what's inside. To give him the knowledge that what he perceives as lacking need not be filled. Rather it is a tool that will enable him to discover that he has no independent existence. There is nothing other than Hashem.

Similar to a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend, he will discover post-Hisbodidus that he understands his truth better. Like someone who has unloaded to a close friend, even if the friend hasn't offered any advice things have become more clear to his own soul. How much more so when the friend is Hashem.

Creation is defined by time and space, but the present is timeless. It is a fleeting instant that doesn't last which is defined by the past and the future. The place of free-will is in the moment; that which has passed or what is not yet is not open to choice. This is why the Temple, the place where God's presence manifests itself in this world, is also called בית הבחירה, the House of Choice.

The present doesn't serve as a bridge to the past and future, rather they serve the present. There is nothing greater than the present. All you have in life is now. It is the opportunity to shine Hashem's light upon the world. The letter הוה (present) form the bulk of the name of Hashem. By connecting to the present you add the י to הוה and form His name.

Being in the Present: 1b

When a person feels a constant need to rationally understand events in his life he is stuck firmly in the world of nature. The same is true when his focus is on figuring out ways he can escape from his present state. Only when a person is dependent on nothing - when he realizes that he understands and knows nothing and has no clarity about the future - is he then connected to the infinite-nothingness which is the revelation of Hashem's glory.

This is what it means to be in the present. Mentally escaping to the future is predicated on the assumption that one knows or assumes the future holds something better. It is another attempt to outsmart "what is" to escape to something better. The person is refusing to accept and feel that which Hashem is bringing to him right now. If he is ready to sink himself deeply into the present and to accept it without trying to move away he is then living in Hashem's world.

As long as a person is down about the lowly state in which he finds himself and wishes to be saved from it, he is stuck within his physical self and is not connecting to his inner wisdom. He lacks any understanding of the wisdom that is above nature and the physical world. When he accepts what is going on with love then he can begin to connect to wisdom. When he escapes the pain by that means he is leaving his physical boundaries and connecting to something higher.

Being in the Present: 1a

A person can pray about the future or acknowledge the past, but hisbodidus is always about the present. Intimacy is always in the present.

One person may look for assurances that her situation will change from the way it currently is; that she will be  extracted from her current bitter state and renewed to a better future. Another may hope that the present suffering will help her become a new person. Neither of them are living in the present. But there may be a person who wants to grasp the moment of time in which she currently finds herself. This is the secret of intimacy in the present. That will lead her to understanding and life in the present situation as is. (Also, despair is only for those who are living in the past or the future. For one living in the present there is no concept of despair.)

Prayer and self-reckoning are a search for a solution to a problem. If a person finds herself lacking in his Divine service, for example, she will contemplate the root of the problem and how to rectify it so that it no longer manifests itself. She may also seek assistance to change her ways.

Hisbodidus, by contrast, comes from the realization that she has nothing and cannot do anything. There is no solution in the world that she can implement. She is like a child or like someone mired in debt with no apparent way out. She is engaging in Hisbodidus as a means of bringing Hashem into her current situation and to breathe life into it; into the debts in which she is mired. Subsequently she will give some thought as to how to arrange things and to seek advice and direction. The point of the Hisbodidus is not to find solutions but to bring the issue before Hashem. To bring the feeling of being intimate with Hashem into the current situation.

Hashem Wants You: 6

A person may have excellent skills to do something rather simple on his own, while at the same time having the ability to perform even greater feats but needing the assistance of the others to accomplish them. You should know that the person's true beauty is revealed by those things that he can do alone. That is his lot before his Creator.

An example would be someone who is able to study Mishnah on his own, but finds it difficult to truly comprehend Gemara unless he is teaching it. He can then really bring to bear his full understanding of the material. It is clear that "his Torah" is Mishnah and his Gemara teaching is a way to actualize abilities that he can't actualize on his own. If he would then concentrate on Gemara study he may accomplish great things, but he is ignoring that which is intimately his. It may not bring him the most fame amongst people, but it is what really connects him to Hashem.

With all his amazing insights into the Gemara, which he doesn't see in his more simplistic study of Mishnah, he knows that his connection is superficial and he is not really connecting to Hashem through his study. The result is that after time he will be less inclined to prepare, as it is not something touching his essence, but something he just does. The class is lacking and he is lacking.

There is a strong possibility that if he would consult with someone for advice as to whether or not to continue the class he would be advised to continue teaching it as it is bringing out all of his deep insights. But that is because the issue is being asked and responded to quickly without either party really delving into the person's true nature. A superficial question and discussion produce a superficial decision. Only someone who knows him well and takes the time to really understand the issue can advise him on what to do to open himself up to Hashem. In the short-term it may be a longer discussion, but in the long-term it will save him much heartache and confusion.

That which is simplest and easiest to a person is his path to Hashem and he an't escape it. When he tries to exchange it for something else, he will quickly discover his lack of success.

Hashem Wants You: 5

If there is no place for focusing on one's shortcomings or on the good traits other's have but you are lacking as they disturb the intimate connection, where then does the concept come in that קנאת סופרים תרבה חכמה, jealousy of other's good points increases ones wisdom and good deeds?

The answer is that this type of jealousy is only of value to someone who really understands his own nature and is not seeking to exchange who he is for something else. Such a person has the ability to see what someone else is doing with his unique set of abilities and learn how to do something by then incorporating it into his own unique self and with his own set of skills. If, on the other hand, the jealousy mistakenly leads someone to lose his own self-respect and feels that his own life is worthless, then the jealousy has no value. When the Torah says that Rochel was jealous of her sister Leah our Sages explain that she was jealous of Leah's good deeds. I.e. she didn't want to be Leah, but she wanted to know how she could incorporate Leah's good deeds into her own personna. If a person is lacking self-knowledge he lacks the tools for self-improvement.

Furthermore, people say that a thief is not someone who knows how to steal, but one who actually steals. In the same vein one who is a scholar and pious is not one who has the book knowledge associated with learning and piety, but one who lives his learning and piety. Anyone with any understanding is aware that there is no value to great knowledge. Living what you know, that's where it's at. Better to know a little and live it genuinely than to be walking around with all the understanding in the world.

What is the value in coming before Hashem with all this understanding of what you should be and how your life should be, and what others are? Hashem will say in response, "Be who you are. Come to me with who you are, that is what is precious to me. Much more so than what you aren't, and you wish you were."

Hashem Wants You: 4

It's worth taking a look at the entire concept of חשבון הנפש, usually understood to mean a self-reckoning. The word חשבון is understood to be an accounting. The idea of חשבון הנפש then is to add up all the deeds one has or hasn't done, and what he aspires to do, and then ask for Divine assistance to accomplish the goals. However, the word חשבון can also be understood to be rooted in מחשבה, thought. The concept of חשבון הנפש would then be to the soul thinking in connection with its Creator.

Rebbe Nachman says that a broken heart and being down are not synonymous. Being down and frustrated is the work of one's ego. A broken heart, by contrast, is very precious to Hashem. Being down and angry that things aren't going your way, that is the ego taking control. A broken heart comes from a realization of distance and not wanting to feel distant. It is worth spending a small amount of time each day contemplating your distance from Hashem, but the rest of the day you should be joyful.

Hashem Wants You: 3

Imagine that you come to visit your friend and you are in the mood for a heart-to-heart talk. Your friend, rather than sitting down and engaging with you in an intimate manner, spends the entire time straightening up her home. You are desperately desiring to share your inner feelings and you are frustrated by your friend's inattention. Even if her efforts are geared to making her home nicer for you, that isn't why you made the effort to come.

The same is true when a person comes to communicate with Hashem. If the person spends her time talking about what she did or didn't do, or chooses to engage in a process of self-reckoning, Hashem's response is, "That's not what I want. Give me your heart. Give me your soul. Connect to me. Why are you speaking about these other things? That's for a different time." One's heart should know when it is appropriate to engage in a self-reckoning of one's behavior, and when it is time to sing songs of praise to Hashem.

Sometimes it is more comfortable to be a guest is a home that is somewhat disorganized because you feel that you are experiencing the home as it genuinely is. They haven't made any out of the ordinary efforts on your behalf, but are presenting their home as it truly is. On the other hand, if you feel that an inordinate amount of effort has been expended to preparing for your arrival, it may be beautiful, but it feels uncomfortable and fake.

In the same vein, when a person brings Hashem into her heart as is, without giving any thought to how she can present herself in a better manner, it is very precious in Hashem's eyes. The person is living in integrity and is bringing true nachas to Him.

Figuring out what you are doing right or wrong in your life has a place, but it's place is not when you are trying to connect to Hashem. Self-reckoning is focusing on one's self; davening is focusing on a relationship. Both are needed, but they are found in disparate places.

Hashem Wants You: 2

When there is a real relationship - in which case what really counts is the relationship itself - then it is love that is not dependent on something external. Both parties want the connection they share and the relationship without giving thought to those things that come along with a relationship. Since they are strongly connected, if one of them does not act towards the other in a perfect manner - in a manner appropriate for people who are engaged in a relationship - the other forgives and does not become all upset. The inner love has now brought about a change in external behavior.

Someone who conducts himself in this manner - that his main focus is on the heart-to-heart connection and not on superficial behaviors - can also connect to Hashem. He can seek a relationship and companionship even if he is not fit on the basis of his behavior alone. This is because even between people there is a concept of "Love atones for all sins," and he now seeks such a relationship with his Creator.

Hashem Wants You: 1

Hashem wants a relationship with a person because of his very existence, his soul. It has nothing to do with any good points the person has or doesn't have. This is similar to the fact that prior to marriage there are many praises heaped on the bride or groom as far as how wonderful they are. Most of these are irrelevant once the marriage has begun. That is because these are all superficial and once the marriage begins what really matter is how the couple relates to each other, not what other strong points they might have. So, too, in order to have a true relationship with Hashem you do not resort just to superficial behaviors but to directly relating.

Imagine a woman who works hard every day to prepare a good meal. But each day she is distraught because she doesn't do as good a job as other women. She criticizes herself for her failure. Eventually her husband can't stand listening to her daily bitterness and says to her, "I appreciate what you cook every day. But I would rather have raw vegetables and peace. Why must you worry every day about what others have and we don't?"

In the same vein if a person's self-perception is that he is of little value, and he is not someone worthy of others' esteem, and every time he approaches Hashem with what he is, he kvetches that "Here I am. But I am not good and worthy like others," then his words do not bring him into Hashem's favor at a time of intimacy. At that time people want reality, not lamenting about some Utopian dream that is unattainable presently. What is wanted is satisfaction from who the person is, not worrying about what others have.

Yichud: The Foundation of Awe and Self-Reckoning: 5

Each person is inherently filled with love. When a baby is born her parents pour out love and kindness. They love her for her very existence, and only see good within her. As she grows they educate her with the need to respect and heed them, but the love underlies that. A child who is taken away from the arms of those who love her, and is lacking the deep rooted love is too confused to truly inoculate either love or awe as she is missing the very foundations. She is like a starving person with whom you can't reason as long as she has not yet sated her basic needs.

So, too, Hashem created the world as an act of love. He actualized Creation as He recognized the wondrous good that would emanate from it. Every morning our awakening is another act of loving devotion from Hashem.  We can recognize and acknowledge this as we say, "For you have returned to me my soul with kindness." Now we can enter into the realm of awe, after we feel the deep love.

Only after experiencing this deep seated Divine love can we blend it with awe. Just as a parent, in order to be successful, must first show his child love, before he can teach her awe. But a relationship predicated on awe and fear without the underlying foundation of love is bound to have disastrous results.

Yichud: The Foundation of Awe and Self-Reckoning: 3c

The bottom line is that a person cannot possibly do Teshuvah - truly connect to Hashem - when he is down and small minded. It is only possible when a person is feeling good about himself and is in a happy mood. If a person enters Rosh Hashanah, for example, all down because of his perception of wrongdoing, it is not the time to engage in Teshuvah. Better to wait until after the joy of Sukkos when he is feeling the power of his connection to Hashem. Work during Rosh Hashanah on beginning to feel that power.

The same is true when it comes to Tisha B'Av. If someone enters the Fast feeling down and depressed about the Destruction he will not be able to feel the greatness of the Bais HaMikdosh and truly connect to it. Before Tisha B'Av it is worth working on mutual love with others. Feeling the love and connection will enable someone to then enter the day and feel those areas in which that love and connection are missing. Rather than walking around with faces looking down, which is a superficial manifestation of the mourning, it is better to expand your consciousness  so that you can feel it in reality. "Speak to the heart of Jerusalem,' the prophet says. How can one speak to the heart if the heart is not present - if the heart is ignorant of what it means to feel a connection?

Yichud: The Foundation of Awe and Self-Reckoning: 3b

The day of Shabbos is a day on which one can easily come closer to Hashem. On Shabbos we come close with love and closeness, not with forceful energy. All the negativity is gone and subsumed within one's good. When our Sages teach us that on Shabbos we should consider all of our work to be done, that includes the work of spiritual improvement. Don't look at your own shortcomings, but fill yourself with joy and pleasure. Forget about any difficulties and don't criticize yourself. It is respite time for any prisoners.

True Teshuvah comes from feeling uplifted. The strength (גבורה) of Hashem is in that which He always approaches man with an abundance of good. Ultimately, it turns the person to good.

The Riyat"z once asked his father what he should be doing the night after Yom Kippur. "Teshuvah," his father answered. "But weren't all of our sins forgiven today?" The answer is that only after one has corrected his relationship with Hashem and recognizes how close Hashem is with us, do we really feel what we have been lacking in our service of Hashem.

Yichud: The Foundation of Awe and Self-Reckoning: 3a

It is the way of Hashem to pour out good on his children who have erred and sinned. By doing so it leads to the sinner having deep regret. When seeing that Hashem in His glory still wishes to have a relationship with him his heart is broken due to his mistake and he contemplates how not to return to his mistaken ways. There is no comparison between this type of regret, which comes from a loving relationship with Hashem, and one that comes from someone who is down because of his sin.

There is a parable about this from the Baal Shem Tov. There was once a villager who spit upon the statue of the king. The king took him and appointed to him to a governmental post. Over time he promoted him to higher and higher positions. The nicer the king was to him, the more he raised him up, the more he learned about how wonderful the king was, the worse he felt that as a lowly villager he had demeaned the king like that. He deserved a punishment and the king was being nice to him. The king realized that if he had killed him the villager's suffering would have lasted a moment. Now he was filled with constant suffering as to how he could possibly have done such a thing. This is how Hashem deals with our wrongdoing as well.

This only works for a contemplative person who stops to think about what he has done and realizes now the greatness of the king. Has he been a fool and seen that after his behavior the king was kind to him, he would have concluded that offending the king or being respectful was all the same - the king doesn't care. 

Yichud: The Foundation of Awe and Self-Reckoning: 2b

After Sukkos the people gathered together once again. "The Jewish Nation gathered with fasting, sackcloth and dirt upon themselves. They separated those of Jewish descent from the Gentiles and they stood and acknowledged their sins, and the iniquities of their ancestors. They then called out in a loud voice to Hashem their God." It was only after they had heard how much Hashem appreciated their joy, and that Hashem desired them even after they had sinned, because of the great favor they found in His eyes, that they had the strength to return to Hashem and to come close to Him.

The closer a person comes to Hashem, as he recognizes his preciousness before Hashem even after he has sinned, he learns also that there is no concept of being distant from Hashem. He then comprehends the gravity of his wrongdoing, as he comprehends that whatever he has done was directly in the presence of Hashem. He can then feel ashamed.

If there were no concept of forgiveness then a person would be forever stained. He would then feel that there was no reason to refrain from further wrongdoing as he is eternally blemished. But Hashem is forgiving, and wants to build us up. Despite the wrongdoing he cleanses and shows love.

Yichud: The Foundation of Awe and Self-Reckoning: 2a

We can now understand that the relationship forged by direct communication with Hashem brings a person to the point where he can feel true regret. He can have the broken heart that enables one to engage in true Teshuvah.

There is no comparison between someone who engages in self-reckoning when he is still distant from Hashem to that of someone who feels united with Hashem. Furthermore, the distant reckoning and regret do not have a lasting effect upon the person. Conversely one who has a broken heart when he is in an elevated spiritual state, while feeling connected to Hashem, understands the exaltedness of Hashem and his own, relative, punity.

After the building of the Second Bais HaMikdosh Ezra and Nechemiah gathered together all the inhabitants of Yerushalaim on Rosh Hashana. They wanted to speak to the people about their collective wrongdoing by engaging in intermarriage. But after speaking about this topic they said, "Today is consecrated to Hashem your God. Do not mourn or cry. Go eat delicacies and drink sweet drinks. Send gifts to those who have not prepared food, for today is consecrated to our God. Do not be depressed because joy in God is your strength... The nation went to eat and drink and send gifts and to celebrate with great joy because they understood the words that had been spoken to them.

The Malbi"m explains that the Torah portion about Rosh Hashanah was read before them and they felt the awe of judgement and wanted to fast. It was explained to them that we have confidence on the Day of Judgement that we will be acquitted and we therefore celebrate it as a holiday. The rejoicing in Hashem is your strength. This is a spiritual joy that emanates from feeling close to Hashem and begets this confidence.

Yichud: The Foundation of Awe and Self-Reckoning: 1b

The Ohr HaChayim writes that Hashem's nature it to do good to others. More than there is a desire on the part of the recipient to receive His good, He desires to do good. Hashem has developed many machinations in order to bring about this good. He has also informed us that the benefits of serving Him out of love greatly outweigh service that is predicated upon fear. The only drawback to service out of love is that a person will not take heed not to slip up on occasion. He will reason that due to the close relationship he has with Hashem, Hashem won't care about it, as is the case among people who are close. This is why we find that Moshe erred with his speech before Hashem on a number of occasions. Because of the closeness he had, he became lax in his awe. Another person who did not feel as close would have been more careful how he spoke to Hashem as he would be terrified of doing something wrong. But that isn't Hashem's attitude. Rather, even with those who love Him he is exacting.

At the giving of the Torah Hashem saw two options before Him. One was to give it with words of love so that it would be accepted with love. As mentioned earlier the advantage is that serving out of love is much more beneficial, but it brings along a certain laxity. Alternatively, He could give it in an atmosphere of fear which would result in people taking greater heed not to sin, but would bring them few benefits.

He compromised by doing both.

Yichud: The Foundation of Awe and Self-Reckoning: 1a

The love and close relationship between man and Hashem is intimately tied to awe. One cannot exist without the other. We mention this during Shacharis when we say "Unite our hearts to love and have awe for Your Name." In one of the verses of the Shema we say, "That I am commanding you today, to love Hashem your God and to serve Him with all your heart and all your soul." The love is meant to lead to serving with heart and soul and not to stray one iota from the will of Hashem. This theme is repeated elsewhere in the Torah as well. This is why immediately following the giving of the Torah Hashem added strict words to the soft spoken words. The language of love alone can lead to losing any sense of awe.

Rebbe Nachman taught two approaches to Hisbodidus. On the one hand he refers to it as words of appeasement and closeness, on the other hand he says that each person needs to have some  time every day when his heart is broken before Hashem. He needs to spend time each day discussing with Hashem all those areas in which his actions are not up to par. The rest of the day he should feel only joy.

Not everyone can find the peace of mind daily to engage in this introspection and to regret those things that need regretting. The day passes by and it could be that a person cannot find one time in his entire life to do so. It is therefore necessary to find the self-control to devote time to contemplate how one is spending his days and to determine if he is doing so in a worthwhile manner.

How do we resolve these seemingly contradictory aims? On the one hand it is an opportunity to develop a lovingly intimate relationship, on the other a time for regret and awe.

The Value of a Relationship: 7

Prayer allows a person to be strong in his relationship with Hashem without permitting anything else to interfere as he is always hearing from Hashem how valuable he is. Rebbe Nosson writes that the eternal connection between the Jewish Nation and Hashem was clear to Moshe. Therefore, when Moshe understood that according to the Torah they deserved to be destroyed after the sin of the Golden Calf, Moshe facilitated the destruction of the Tablets. His thinking was that Hashem's intent to create the Nation preceded Creation and even preceded the other things that our Sages say preceded Creation. As such, there is no way Hashem would ever give up on his Nation. Even though Hashem had informed Moshe of His intent by saying "Leave me alone, and I will annihilate them," Moshe responded by saying, "I'm not impressed and I will not fall apart because of what you are saying. You taught me a different truth, that You chose us."

This is the power of relationship - the relationship never leaves. Even at a time of great distancing, the love is stronger than the distance that is currently present. This is the concept of ברית, a covenant, a relationship that goes beyond logic. A true relationship that is not dependent on being near or far and is not susceptible to breakage. This conquers any distance, as Hashem said to Moshe, ""Thank you for breaking them."

Times of Hisbodidus reveal the inner truth - that Hashem shines light on His closeness to people. So much so that a person should feel it even when he feels distant. He can still say to Hahshem, "I'm not impressed and I will not fall apart because of any distance." He returns to the closeness despite everything that has transpired.

When a person speaks before Hashem and expresses himself with requests and demands, he wants to win over Hashem. This brings pleasure to Hashem. Hashem sends him words to use so he can win, so that Hashem can enjoy himself. Otherwise a human could never be victorious over Hashem. But Hashem provides him with the means to do so.

The Value of a Relationship: 6

If a person enters a store and requests an item, there is nothing more to his words than his request. Other times the person listening to what is being said understands that there is another message behind the simple meaning of the words. For example, if a child come to her parent and starts telling her parent about something she did, while the child is verbalizing a simple story the parent hears "love" permeating every word.

But it is a completely different situation when a child is aware that her parent is moved from hearing what is going on with her and comes initially with that intent. Even though she is only telling a story and does not articulate the depth of feeling she is directing toward her parent's heart. The father understands the child's intent and his feeling to his child is even greater.

There is a private communication between the two of them. Someone who overhears the conversation may understand it in its simple superficiality, but their hearts that are full of mutual love understand what an outsider cannot.

The same is true of the praises from a recipient to his benefactor. There is the simple understanding of the words that are being spoken, but there is also a deeper message being communicated. The recipient is giving part of himself to his benefactor with his words. This is the hidden, unverbalized message that expresses the wonderful closeness they share.

With this we can understand the praises we say to Hashem in the Pesukei D'Zimrah. There is a deeper message underlying the words that we are communicating to Hashem. "Look into my heart and hear what I am saying. Understand how close I feel to You."

This depth of communication awakens the heart of the benefactor to reach out with kindness. It creates a deep, personal, connection between the two. Only the heart of man and Hashem can hear these deep feelings that are expressed in the words of praise. The result will be that the benefactor will happily entrust the recipient with all of His greatest treasures.

The Value of a Relationship: 5

The bottom line of what we have been writing, and a fundamental concept of all intimate relationships is that a recipient can only truly feel comfortable when he feels that the giver needs him as well. That creates an equal playing field. There is true peace between them.

We can't find a better example than Hashem. He calls to people and says, "Give strength to God," It is as if He is sitting and waiting to receive. His holiness above comes from man's sanctifying Him below. Obviously, Hashem lacks nothing and needs nothing. However, as the Zohar says, "Israel supports its Father in Heaven." We have the ability to give nachas to Hashem. The Torah describes the sacrifices as bringing nachas to Him. The nachas comes because, "I said, and my will was heeded." Hashem has lowered Himself to receive from His Creations. (The word נחת can also be understood as "to step down.")

A parent can command a child to do something. If it remains simply a command there is a hierarchy, with the parent on top and the child below. That is completely different from a parent who adds, "If you do that, you will give me nachas." Such a request creates a relationship of equals. The parent has lowered himself to be the equal to his son by being willing to receive from him. "I am missing something and only you can give me what I am missing." If this is true in our relationship with Hashem, surely it is true between people. The relationship is perfected when the recipient is also giving - they become equal partners in the relationship and can truly unify.

When one person feels that the other is much stronger and never needs him, he will feel lower. Even if the giver in the relationship always fills his needs he will never feel comfortable as he feels empty. There may be giving, but there is no intimate connection. Only when he realizes that the other person needs him, and he needs to come to the assistance of the other,  are they equal and can receive from each other.

A giver may feel that if he demonstrates a weakness, and need for something, it will impinge on his honor. It may be a teacher who only teaches those topics on which he is very knowledgeable. He is afraid that if he reveals any gaps in hie knowledge the students will stop learning from him entirely. Bu doing so, he robs himself and his students of a real relationship, which, according to the Ariza"l, can only arise between equals.

The Value of a Relationship: 4

As we mentioned previously, when a person comes before Hashem to speak of His praises, Hashem, so to speak, awaits and anticipates this opportunity to be a recipient from the human who is now giving to Him. Our Sages describe this situation with the words, "Hashem doesn't budge until he has made the person into His mother." As if Hashem calls the person "Mommy." Hashem wants the person to speak to him like a mother who is comforting a child. Like the chatting of a mother to her son. Our Sages also describe this state with the words "Hashem's mind is calmed because of people's praises."

Our Sages say further that when Hashem looks at the world and sees theaters and stadiums in all their glory while His Temple is destroyed He is tempted to destroy the world. But when people come to pray in the morning and recite the Shema all the angels gather before Hashem and say "You existed prior to the creation of the world, you exist after the world's creation. You are in this world, you will be in the World to Come. Sanctify your name over those who sanctify Your name." Immediately, Hashem calms down and does not destroy the world because of the people who have prayed.

The Value of a Relationship: 3

Another aspect of a true relationship with Hashem is to speak to the heart of your Father in Heaven. To acknowledge to Hashem the glory of His Kingdom which is great. As we find Dovid HaMelech sang before Hashem many songs of praise. He continuously spoke of the wondrous things that He did under the sun. True inner peace comes when the recipient realizes that also the giver, Hashem, needs him, so to speak. As the Zohar says: People support their Father in Heaven. This is where you find Hashem's humility. He allows Himself to become a recipient from His beloved children. Even as we are in Exile, in Heaven they hope that we will not be silent. Rather that we should recognize how valuable we are that we have the ability to reveal the hidden glory of Hashem.

The Koznitzer Maggid writes that we can compare this to a human king who has all sorts of extravagances, entertainment, and music. When something happens to upset him the entertainers are brought before him to cheer him up. So too, Hashem has all sorts of beings that bring Him joy in the Upper Worlds. But with the Temple destroyed there is sadness in Heaven. There needs to be someone with Hashem in his heart to enter inside and to remove his own sadness and to rejoice for the honor of the King. "You are our eternal King, who will reign forever. Before you, everything else has no existence. The saviors will come up to Mt. Zion, and all will come to serve You. This is more pleasurable before Hashem than when we are happy and rejoicing when everything is going well. 

The Value of a Relationship: 2

When two people are involved in a close relationship each one sees the good points of the other, and not what they lack. As the Rebbe R' Elimielch taught to pray "That I should not see anything demeaning and I will despise him." You don't want to see the dark parts of the other person and end up distancing yourself from her. So, too, when Hashem is in relationship with a person He chooses not to look at the repulsive parts of the person. As the Pasuk says: לא הביט און ביעקב ולא ראה עמל בישראל ה' אלוקיו עמו ותרועת מלך בו, "He does not see out the iniquity in Yaakov and does not see the wrongdoing in Israel. Hashem his God is with him and the love of his king is in him."

There are those who err and spent their time communicating with Hashem telling Him of all of their sins and asking Him to have mercy on them, rather than engaging in a real heart-to-heart conversation. (The time for self-reckoning is not then.) It is like a child whose parent is feeling very proud of him, and the child stands up and announces all of the reasons why the father should be disappointed in him. He ruins the moment.

On the other hand if he correctly takes advantage of the opportunity by connecting joyfully with his inner self to Hashem, without looking at any of his shortcomings, it will soften the heart of Hashem and the person will come to real deep regret that will bring him to truly turn to do better. Otherwise, if he only focuses on his faults, he can come to depression and fall even further. A broken heart is one that is softened towards Hashem (a heart of flesh), not one that is depressed (a heart of stone). A broken heart should leave one desirous of Hashem, happy and given over to Hashem. As Rebbe Nachman writes: When a person is constantly happy he can easily devote some time each day to soften his heart before Hashem and to speak what is in his heart to Hashem. But when he is depressed it is difficult for him to connect and to speak his feelings.

The Value of Self-Revelation

I mentioned on Facebook that my most recent two posts raised some very fundamental points. I wanted to spend some time elaborating on one of those points. This is my understanding and not from Yichud HaHisbodidus. CL
The Baal HaSulam writes in his introduction to the Zohar that those behaviors in which we engage that are most Godlike are the behaviors that we find most comfortable. He utilizes this principle to explain why it is more satisfying to give than it is to receive. This is because Hashem is only a giver and not a recipient. Receiving (necessary as it may be within Creation) is an un-Godly activity and as such is not as satisfying as giving which is emulating God. Taking this one step further, Hashem created the world because He desired to give to others. Therefore when giving we are connecting ourselves to the very fundamental forces of Creation which makes it a very satisfying activity.

I have found this principle reflected in other areas of Jewish thought, but this is not the place to elaborate on them.

The Ariza"l as he explains the reasons for Creation lists one reason as being that prior to Creation all of Hashem's goodness was only latent within Him. It was hidden inside and not brought forth and revealed and there was no arena within which to reveal it. By creating the Universe Hashem had a forum in which to reveal that which was previously hidden about Himself. This is why bringing about an awareness of Hashem within Creation is a central part of Judaism. Finding Hashem within Creation is a central part of our service to Hashem. According to this Hashem's revelation of the self which was previously hidden is the fundamental power of Creation.

How many of us spend much of our lives hiding ourselves? Hiding ourselves from others and hiding ourselves from ourselves. Each person engages in hiding to whatever degree he or she feels comfortable. But doing so goes against one of the fundamental forces of Creation. Just as Creation entailed Hashem's self-revelation, so too, the more we engage in self-revelation, the more we connect to the very fundamental forces of Creation.

The Value of a Relationship: 1b

With this a person will fulfill והצנע לכת עם ה' אלוקיך, "And walk modestly with Hashem your God." Indeed a person should not reveal his accomplishments before others because he saves his beauty to show it only before Hashem. Is there anything more pleasurable than a person being able to express in his conversation with his Creator how wonderful he is? And he spends the time understanding his own good points? This is the time to express ones inner beauty which he keeps hidden from others. He shows them only before Hashem and this creates an strong inner relationship which brings light to his life of good deeds and spiritual pursuits.

Tzniut does not mean never revealing, it means revealing only where appropriate. The princess shows her honor in private, where there is a special relationship, not in public. A soul which reveals itself in the appropriate manner is happy and completely sated. It feels no need or desire to reveal itself inappropriately. That would be the opposite of Tzniut. So too, one who reveals his good points before Hashem, and feel that he is good in the eyes of Hashem, has no need to show himself before others.

A person who recognizes that all his good points are jewelry given to him by Hashem, like a bride gives his groom,  can then come before Hashem and Hashem can enjoy his company with the person adorned with what Hashem has given him. His good points are gifts from Hashem to reveal his inner goodness, which brings nachas to Hashem.

Even the shortcomings and confusions of a person will be removed from him when he connects to Hashem. He will be able to see them for what they are and understand them properly. After connecting to Hashem he will no longer view them as illnesses, but realize they are revelations of something hidden, something which is part and parcel of himself, inseparable, to which he needs to pay heed and understand. The heavy load is removed and shown to be something which is his. He has a destiny - one which is precious and valuable.

This is alluded to in the words of Esther, who is a metaphor for the soul, when she approached the king with her request: If it behooves the king and I have found favor in his eyes, and the matter is proper before the king and I am good in his eyes. A person has the ability to find favor before Hashem when he knows and believes that he finds favor in His eyes and is good. "And I am good in His eyes" should be the motto of the soul of every person.

The Value of a Relationship: 1a

Hashem chose people to reveal His Monarchy in Creation. Prior to Creation His abilities were hidden and not actualized. Only "At the time that all was done according to His desire, then He was called King." It is difficult to even verbalize the following, but essentially Hashem created a dynamic by which He needs people.

Additionally, He created the world in such a manner that people will truly need Him in order to complete themselves, spiritually and physically. As we have explained previously, Hashem desires to build up those who receive from Him to be with Him and to "cleave to Him."

The concept of Hisbodidus is for a person to carve out his unique self and come face-to-face with it in order to understand himself. His self-understanding needs to take him beyond Emunah which is by default, to a self-confidence which imbues within himself a love for Hashem and a desire for connection.

Connecting to Hashem does not bring bitterness to a person, rather it assists him in understanding how wonderful he is. (True, there are times to focus on one's shortcomings, but that is not what we are talking about now.) After connecting to Hashem a person should walk away with a greater degree of self-value than he had previously. This will lead to his serving Hashem with a happy and satisfied outlook. After all, Hashem has just whispered in his ear how wonderful he is. He has revealed to Him all of his positive points. This is the purpose of Creation, to carve out one's hidden inner-self and present it to the self. This is analogous to the fact that Creation itself was the revelation of the hidden-self of Hashem.

Relationship of Give & Take: 6

When a person feels that he no longer needs prayer and a relationship with Hashem the implication is that he has resigned himself to the way his life is. There is a lack of recognition of the truth - that he is dependent on Hashem.

There are different ways in which a person can find that Hashem is hidden from him. A person may understand that his task during his lifetime is to reveal the glory of Hashem in every action, but he is so preoccupied with his pursuits that he isn't feeling it and internally he is crying out to Hashem to redirect him. But a deeper hiding is when a person finds himself at the pinnacle of success. Everything he does turns out as he desires. All day long Hashem brings success his way, but year after year passes and he never stops to think that he has never once recognized his Creator.

This can be compared to a head of household who feels no need to communicate with anyone in the home. Everything runs on auto-pilot and they don't need his input. Perhaps he is frequently away on business and they have become accustomed to arranging everything at home without consulting him. If he finds himself at home for an extended period of time he has noting to say, he doesn't even know where he can insert himself in the goings on. If the state of the household was such that they were always dependent upon him he would know very well what was going on as they would frequently consult him and he would have what to say?

When a person arranges his life such that everything, big or small, is dependent on Hashem, and he leaves no area of his life which he has not presented to Hashem, then the relationship is open and clear. Over time he feels more and more how much he needs this relationship as through it he is dependent on the one unique source.

Relationship of Give & Take: 5

A recipient may start to wonder: How many times do I need to hear from the donor that he loves and desires his relationship with me. Do I need to hear that every day?

There is a fundamental error that is leading to this question. It is predicated on the assumption that a relationship between a bestower and a recipient (and by extension between man and Hashem) is similar to any superficial relationship between two people. In the physical world people are separate. With all the love and friendship each has his own body and his own life. Every person has thoughts and desires which no one else can penetrate. Even if a person is agreeable for someone else to assist him, in his mind he always expects that at some point in time he can repay that assistance. There is something lacking, therefore, in the relationship. As much as the recipient is hoping someday to reciprocate, the donor certainly had no plans to ever need the assistance of the currently poor person.

This is all true between two people who are separate. But when it comes to Hashem a person has no existence without Hashem. He has nothing without Hashem's face shining upon him raising him up and instilling within him the foundation of his life. All day and all night a person will not tire of hearing how precious, important and desired he is by Hashem. What else is there to life? He needs this power greatly as it is the very essence of his life in service of Hashem and enables him to fulfill the will of Hashem with love, awe and a close relationship.

When a person realizes that whatever is has is merely frosting on the cake. The only thing that really matters is his relationship with Hashem, and really feels it in his heart, he will then appreciate that he needs Hashem constantly to uplift his spirits. That is why the Sages instituted to recite Shemoneh Esray three times a day. Those 18 Berachos instill within a person his very life.

Relationship of Give & Take: 4

It is no small thing to raise the stature of the recipient. There are people who are not naturally recipients. Never having been impoverished and suddenly finding himself to be a taker, his self-image is not very low and it is easy to raise his spirits.

But another person may have been poor his entire life and can't remember one good day since he was born. This person may have a completely broken spirit and feels that his very foundations are collapsing. It is not easy to raise his spirits. It is very difficult to lift up such a person until he truly believes that we really love him. Like a clumsy child who has never had success it is hard to convince him that Hashem loves him. This is what the Kabbalists call מלכות (Malchus) which has nothing of its own in its essence.

Therefore it is needed for the donor to repeatedly renew his statements that are meant to lift the spirits of the recipient. Superficial statements and ones that go deeper, about every aspect of the recipient until they are fully connected. Until his stature is raised fully.

Tears

This afternoon I happened to be reading a later portion of Yichud HaHisbodidus which turned out to be very pertinent to Yom Kippur. The Ariza"l speaks of the significance of crying on Yom Kippur. Some years I find it difficult to cry; this year it was easy.

The Light wants that the vessel should be subordinate to it. When they are engaged in conflict and the vessel is not subordinate, and then the tears break out, the meaning of the tears is that the vessel is saying that it is willing to be subordinate from now on. This is a significant moment, the giving of self over to the bestower.

When there are tears in the eyes of one of the two parties, in the middle of shouting and arguing, this is not an expressing of disaffection and distance, but of a desire to improve things from here on. Indeed a significant moment.

Flesh and blood, in his hubris, upon seeing tears, mistakenly interprets it as a sign of distancing, that the other side has been pushed down and away. But an understanding person understands that when the other party has come to tears, he or she is expressing a willingness to change, and recognizes that this is an opportunity to create a greater connection than that which previously existed.

When the other party does not wish to connect he won't come to tears, on the contrary, he will become harder and closed. We see by children that it is not a punishment per se that leads to subordination, but the feeling of being distant from their parent. That's why you can give a painful punishment that does not result in the child subordinating himself, whereas it can be sufficient to demonstrate just a bit of distance and the child is full of tears and regrets.

This is why Hashem says נחמו עמי, "Be comforted, my nation," as he sees our tears in exile. He understands the great connection that exists at the time the tears are flowing, and he is appeased and desirous of the Jewish Nation.

You can see that Moshe made his greatest requests at the time of greatest distance - after the sin of the Golden Calf. He requested then that Hashem teach his Attributes of Mercy and that He should travel with the Jewish Nation and not send an angel in his stead. He continued to ask, "And how will it indeed be known that I and your nation have found favor in your eyes? Only if you go with us. And I and your nation will be distinguished from all the nations in the face of the Earth." Rashi explains that Moshe was requesting that Hashem not rest the Schechinah any longer on the idolatrous nations.

How did Moshe have the chutzpah to speak in this manner after such a terrible sin? Was this a time of closeness like the giving of the Torah? Was the Nation in good standing with Hashem? They had been corrupted and their stature lowered. How did he have the gall to make such great requests?

The understanding is that when there is a rapprochement after anger a very caring feeling is created. Moshe found it to be an appropriate time to accomplish something great by awakening the eternal closeness between Israel and its Father in Heaven. Hashem was responsive to him, by saying, "Also that which you spoke I will do, for you have found favor in my eyes."

Additionally, Moshe established the way to ask Hashem for forgiveness. Since the fact is that we are dear to Hashem and that sin does not create distance, when a person does Teshuva after a sin, he then needs to have the ability and the strength to ask for things that he never would have thought of asking for at any other time.

Relationship of Give & Take: 3b

When he has these thoughts, the donor shines a bright light on the heart of the recipient. Previously ,when their relationship was superficial, the poor person wondered if he was really appreciated by the donor. Now, however, that their relationship has become deeper, since the donor realizes and emphasizes his own need for a relationship with the poor person, the stature of the recipient is fully grown.

Now the recipient can move on to the next step. He can speak from the depths of his heart on the basis of a real relationship. He knows the donor wants him, is happy with him and needs him. He feels that the praises that he is hearing from the donor are not just to raise his spirits, but are coming because of the real relationship they have.

At this point in time the relationship really begins; their hearts are one. They are on an equal footing and they are speaking face-to-face. There is no longer any hierarchy as to who must speak first, because the total connection - inside and outside - is a very settled feeling. This is the connection made at the end of Shemoneh Esray in the Brocha of Sim Shalom, when a person feel completely connected to Hashem, which beings him to all that which good and precious. He is truly serving his Creator as he has a face-to-face relationship with Him. "With the light of your face you have given us, Hashem our God, a living Torah, loving kindness, righteousness, blessing, mercy, life and peace and all that is good."

Relationship of Give & Take: 3a

All of this is still just a beginning. Now we need to get to the next step of relationship. Two people can unexpectedly meet each other, for example at a wedding, and  enjoy a good conversation. One may ask the other for advice, and they find it very enjoyable. But it is all superficial, there is no proactive desire to relate.

In our story, the poor person may feel that now that he has arrived the donor is happy to see him, but he absolutely does not believe that the donor wanted him to show up in the first place. Would the donor have invited him to come to his house in order to develop a relationship? There is still something lacking in the building-up of the recipient on the part of the donor. The relationship is still superficial.

To have a deeper connection, that the recipient knows that the giver needs him and craves a relationship with him soul-to-soul, there has to be a connection on a completely different level. The recipient should not feel like he needs the donor, rather the donor, on his own initiative, should make it clear that he greatly needs the poor person and would gladly invite him. This will instill in the heart of the poor person how significant he really is.Only then will his self-image be completely restored.

The donor needs first to instill in his own heart that the recipient is bringing benefits to himself. He can initiate the relationship only when he realizes how he was lacking until this poor person arrived and brought him goodness and light.