Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Value of a Relationship: 5

The bottom line of what we have been writing, and a fundamental concept of all intimate relationships is that a recipient can only truly feel comfortable when he feels that the giver needs him as well. That creates an equal playing field. There is true peace between them.

We can't find a better example than Hashem. He calls to people and says, "Give strength to God," It is as if He is sitting and waiting to receive. His holiness above comes from man's sanctifying Him below. Obviously, Hashem lacks nothing and needs nothing. However, as the Zohar says, "Israel supports its Father in Heaven." We have the ability to give nachas to Hashem. The Torah describes the sacrifices as bringing nachas to Him. The nachas comes because, "I said, and my will was heeded." Hashem has lowered Himself to receive from His Creations. (The word נחת can also be understood as "to step down.")

A parent can command a child to do something. If it remains simply a command there is a hierarchy, with the parent on top and the child below. That is completely different from a parent who adds, "If you do that, you will give me nachas." Such a request creates a relationship of equals. The parent has lowered himself to be the equal to his son by being willing to receive from him. "I am missing something and only you can give me what I am missing." If this is true in our relationship with Hashem, surely it is true between people. The relationship is perfected when the recipient is also giving - they become equal partners in the relationship and can truly unify.

When one person feels that the other is much stronger and never needs him, he will feel lower. Even if the giver in the relationship always fills his needs he will never feel comfortable as he feels empty. There may be giving, but there is no intimate connection. Only when he realizes that the other person needs him, and he needs to come to the assistance of the other,  are they equal and can receive from each other.

A giver may feel that if he demonstrates a weakness, and need for something, it will impinge on his honor. It may be a teacher who only teaches those topics on which he is very knowledgeable. He is afraid that if he reveals any gaps in hie knowledge the students will stop learning from him entirely. Bu doing so, he robs himself and his students of a real relationship, which, according to the Ariza"l, can only arise between equals.

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