The Desire to Give: 1

Whenever there is an outpouring of spirituality from a bestower it is always preceded by an awakening on the part of the recipient. It is this awakening which then awakens the bestower to give.

The Ariza"l explains that there are two types of awakenings on the part of the recipient. We will explain them clearly as they are the basis for understanding many aspects of relating to Hashem.

The first one is when the recipient desires to receive light from the Bestower. This awakens a desire on the part of the Bestower to give. When he then receives he is receiving the light of the giver in his own vessels. The recipient was lacking, it was his lack that has now been addressed.

The second is yet higher. This is when the Bestower has a desire to give for his own reasons, and the recipient increases that desire by saying, "I am ready to receive that which you wish to give from yourself." This is not now a relationship that is primarily from the recipient, on the contrary, the recipient's main task is to serve as the vessel to receive from the Bestower what the Bestower wishes to give. Rather than the Bestower giving on the recipient's terms, as in the first example, in this case the recipient is raised up to receive on the Bestower's terms.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 6

We can now apply what we have been discussing to one's relationship with Hashem. A person should not approach Hashem with his external self only, "These are my accomplishments... these are my mistakes," and mistakenly think that this is the basis of his entire relationship with Hashem. Rather he should come with the great and eternal inner love that Hashem feels for him. Hashem will shine on a person and raise him up so that he can arrive at this moment of connection. From that a person draws the ability to overcome the fact that in his external life he is not yet perfect in his service of Hashem. By building up the inner connection he can be at peace with the external.

This is because any visible external beauty (i.e. proper Mitzvah performance) is secondary to the deeply rooted goodness of the person which makes Hashem proud. It should be evident that if one comes to connect to Hashem and instead focuses on what she has or hasn't done, she is forgetting that Hashem is looking forward to a real inner connection.

The manner in which Hashem created the world is one in which the external is more evident to the eye. Within is found the beautiful godliness which gives existence to the rest. Even though we are living within that world in which there is an external revelation of the presence of Hashem, we need to remain focused on the fact that it is in the inner world where our hearts really belong.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 5

When one is focused on the external it is possible to be immediately engulfed in passion and to feel very connected. However, very quickly it will become evident that you are in a lose-lose situation and have not even touched on the most fundamental aspects of a relationship.

By contrast, when one is focused on the inner beauty, the essential beauty of the other person's soul (rather than on their superficial strong and weak points), then it is a longer path. However, it offers the opportunity to connect soul-to-soul and to create a love that is not dependent on anything. The external beauty is secondary and serves what is primary - the inner connection.

This is how true Shalom Bayis and tranquility can be created. Even if one party has real deficiencies (e.g. is very forgetful, can't be relied on as far as punctuality is concerned) since the other person draws the life of the relationship from the inner connection, peace reigns. Or if one is very financially successful or brilliant and the other is lacking these, they do not have to become factors that disrupt the relationship. Each one is happy for the other with what they have and is drawing life out of the essential connection they share.

This is why people who are very different can have strong friendships. This is because the friendship is not predicated on external factors

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 4

People who are focused on the superficial are always trying to figure out how to connect to what they receive from others in a relationship. They do not appreciate and feel the essential power of a soul-level connection.

They frequently focus on what it is that they need to do to prevent a severing of the relationship due to the differences between them. They do not deal directly with any differences that they have. Even if there is an inner point of connection it is never truly expressed and remains hidden from them.

This is one of the issues with using graphology or other methodologies to learn about someone. They define a person in terms of his or her strong and weak points and make it more difficult to see beyond the preconceived notion to the inner person. For the person himself these tools make it more difficult to see who he truly is.

In any relationship that involves give-and-take if the giver is always seeking something external to justify her giving the relationship will not last. Any small change, even one that may not be easily discernible, will cause distance and dissension as there is nothing internal connecting them. Even the good points of one of them can cause separation if they are not shared by both of them.

However if he finds in the recipient an inner beauty (בטח בה לה בעלה) then the relationship can withstand even significant differences and issues that may arise. All external issues are nothing in the face of an inner connection that captures the heart.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 3

With all this background we can now discuss how to create a relationship based on an inner connection rather than one that is superficially focused.

Friends who share a soul-level connection see each others inner beauty and not that which is only skin deep. The inner is the essence of a person's existence, it is the deeply rooted beauty that defines who he truly is. The outer appearance need not bear at all on the inner relationship. Things such as intelligence, success and beauty are not affected at all by an inner relationship.

If any of these things (intelligence, success, beauty) are the basis of the love, the love will not last. It is אהבה שתלויה בדבר, love which is dependent on something, and is worthless. In the best case scenario any of these things can be the entre-point to a real connection, but in that case they ultimately are a distant secondary factor. The point of friendship is centered on the inner beauty, the connection to what the person truly is and not to those things which are apparent and of value to outsiders.

Initially a person may think, "How can I connect to someone who is so superficially different than I am?" But if he believes that each person contains a holy soul within, he will discover that just as each person has an inner point of righteousness, so too he has an inner point of friendship which is his unique manner of connecting to the light of Hashem. By recognizing this, as time passes a person can come to touch and comprehend (to grok) the inner soul of his friend and appreciate him for who he is and not for anything superficial. By doing so, the center point of their relationship is established.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 2b

Because of the distinctions between people it is necessary to find a way for the center point of connection to be expressed in external conduct in a manner that is comfortable for the other party. How do you act in light of the fact that each person is an individual in order that you do not negatively affect the point of connection. This is an issue even if the behavior in question is not directed at the relationship itself.

This is also an issue when it comes to any friendship or any give-and-take relationship. Besides the relationship there is also individuation which can cause that the inner connection is not fully expressed externally. It is essential to find a way to deal with the external issue so that everything else runs smoothly.

The highest form of connection is that to Hashem. Hashem gave us the Torah and Mitzvos as a means of enabling the internal connection to have an external expression. In this relationship, unlike the others, there is no true differentiation. Hashem created the world and man in such a way as to have the perfect opportunity to express the relationship.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship: 2a

There is a very fundamental concept to remember about relationships. In addition to the connection forged by the relationship, each party to the relationship remains their own individual person. In addition to their individual selves there is a point of connection that they share. This is the inner connection, the love and connected hearts. However, the external behavior they each demonstrate separately is born of the fact that they remain themselves and are not identical to each other.

This is why the Torah permits the possibility of divorce. Write a few lines on paper and the relationship is ended. Or if a spouse dies after decades of marriage the surviving spouse may marry another as if the long relationship never existed. The reason is because even though the relationship was a point of connection for the two, but they still remained individuals. If the point of connection has ended, the individual still remains.

This is very important to keep in mind. One party to a relationship shouldn't feel that the other must change his or her nature to be similar to the other. The front wall of the house can't become the side wall, it is only by each wall performing its unique function can the house stand. The walls form the space in which the house becomes habitable. So, too, in an interpersonal relationship. Each party has his or her own unique way of doing things which remains even within the bounds of the relationship.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship:1b

When an inner relationship exists all the externalities can be arranged so that everything works smoothly. If, for example, a woman is not an expert in some aspect of house-keeping - something which her husband needs - if they have an excellent internal relationship they will have the skills to solve this side issue and make everything right between them. In this way, the inner relationship is shining light on the outer. The fact is that working on external issues without first solidifying the inner relationship is ultimately a waste of time. As they are not internally in sync they have no foundation on which to find external solutions. The trick is to focus initially on the internal, perhaps to allow in to affect the external somewhat, but to continue focusing on the internal so that the two hearts are communicating.

The same is true when a person's heart is complete with Hashem with true love. If in his Halachic observance there are certain areas in which, despite his efforts, he is lacking he may feels distant from Hashem in consequence and feel lost as to what to do. If he comes to an understanding rabbi who properly understands the application of Halacha and understands people as well, the rabbi will advise him on how to conduct himself in accordance with his own abilities and personality. By following the prescription he will then feel connected to Hashem externally as well.

Creating an External & Internal Relationship :1a

Picture two people who are in many respects very close however one of them has a behavioral quirk that really annoys the other. That behavior will affect the entire relationship. Even though it is external and is not a byproduct of what they share in their hearts, without it being corrected it will cause them to go their separate ways. If they can find a way to rectify this superficial issue then all the pieces will fall into place because internally everything is solidly based.

In every relationship there are two key elements: the internal relationship and the superficial. It is necessary to unite the two and build the internal until it is expressed externally as well. If the parties to the relationship are focused only on the superficial aspects of the relationship and their is no emphasis on the internal then they are lacking the main point of a relationship. It is love that is dependent on external matters and it can't last. Even the slightest issue can destroy it. If the focus is on what is primary and they build the internal properly then the relationship will evolve to be expressed superficially as well, like a soul in a body.

When we speak of the superficial or external we should understand that there are two aspects. Some are very superficial, e.g. a man likes sweet foods, his wife only likes salty foods. There is little reason why this can't be worked out. The other aspect would be if one spouse is smarter than the other. But an inner connection is one which is based on חן (just appreciating the person for who he or she is) which is something else entirely. When that exists, everything else can be worked out.

Being in the Present: 3

To appreciate the depth of the concept of being in the present it is necessary to understand that it is not only a manner of being in the now as opposed to yesterday or tomorrow, but it also means being in your present situation. In whatever state a person finds himself he needs to bring the light into himself, and not to assume that the light is to be found elsewhere, either in a past situation or future one.

Imagine a young man who hears an inspirational speech and incorporates the messages he hears into his present life situation - school, young adulthood. A few years later he finds himself married and looking again for inspiration. He goes to listen to the same speaker again and this time he comes away uninspired. The reason is because he is hearing the same speech and is hearing it in the way he heard it years before. It no longer applies to him.What he needs to do is listen to it from his current perspective.

He is  not relating to the light. The light is always the same, it is the receiving vessel that changes. He thought these words were only applicable in his youth and he cannot bring himself to relate to them in adulthood. He needs to recognize that they apply to him now as well. In the future when he has new challenges that are not currently facing him as he begins to build a family and career, he may again fail to incorporate the light in his situation. He will again need to realize that he needs to renew his appreciation of what he is hearing.

If from the beginning he was truly connecting to the light and seeing its truth, he could apply it to whatever vessel he became - whatever situation he found himself in throughout his life. He could take the situation and figure out how to deal with it, how to shine the light on the present. This is truly living with the present, to fully comprehend and live with the present, not to need any new light as the vessel changes.

Being in the Present: 2b

Removing ones-self from thoughts about the future means that the person is entering a state in which he doesn't know what is going to happen. That's very difficult. He feels empty, helpless, wondering and lost, and full of worry. It is at this moment that Hashem says: Stop wondering about the future. This moment is my communication with you. Listen to it and be OK with it.

The idea of not seeking to know the future goes beyond the concept of not seeking out fortune-tellers and the like. Even one who feels a lack of calm because he doesn't know what the future will bring is also seeking to know the future. One needs to live with the moment in the moment. To be OK with the present. Whatever he is feeling and living through right now. Not just not escaping to the future, but to be connected to the present. This is one of the main accomplishments of Hisbodidus.

If one consults necromancers and soothsayers he can easily engage in Teshuvah as he realizes he has sinned. But what we are discussing is a much more subtle concept and much more difficult for a person to grasp how damaging it is and how to rectify. It is much harder to change.

Being in the Present: 2a

Hisbodidus is synonymous with תמימות, being completely with Hashem. Rashi on the verse "You should be complete with Hashem your God," comments "walk with Him with completeness. Look towards Him and do not seek the future. Rather, whatever He brings upon you accept completely and then you will be His and in His lot."

"Do not seek the future," the point is that we need to connect to the present and not to escape to the future. There is no such thing as thinking about the future. After all the future is non-existent and how can one be in something that doesn't exist yet? Really, all thoughts about the future are thoughts about the present. The person is contemplating the future based on his present assumptions of what the future will be. Where he really is, is in the present. This is analogous to contemplating infinity. The finite mind cannot grasp that which is infinite. How can infinity be bound? Rather it is a finite view of infinity. So too are current thoughts about the future.

This is the meaning of not seeking the future; a person needs to live in the present. Be completely in the present; in the moment. The more one runs to the future, the more one is entering the mindset that he can actually control the future. He is missing something now so he connects himself to the future when he assumes he will have it. By thinking in that way he is escaping the current reality, rather than immersing himself in the "now" and seeing what "now" requires of him.

Being in the Present: 1c

A person can only come to these understandings by spending time engaged in Hisbodidus, private time connecting to Hashem. We will discuss later that a person's inner self is as much a part of him as are his ribs. He can't truly see himself for what he is, for good or for bad, without someone else separating it from him and bringing it before him. Similarly, there are parts of a person's soul that are disconnected from belief, he is unaware that certain issues that plague him need no explanation, they are part of his destiny. He needs to come before Hashem in order for Hashem to open him and show him what's inside. To give him the knowledge that what he perceives as lacking need not be filled. Rather it is a tool that will enable him to discover that he has no independent existence. There is nothing other than Hashem.

Similar to a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend, he will discover post-Hisbodidus that he understands his truth better. Like someone who has unloaded to a close friend, even if the friend hasn't offered any advice things have become more clear to his own soul. How much more so when the friend is Hashem.

Creation is defined by time and space, but the present is timeless. It is a fleeting instant that doesn't last which is defined by the past and the future. The place of free-will is in the moment; that which has passed or what is not yet is not open to choice. This is why the Temple, the place where God's presence manifests itself in this world, is also called בית הבחירה, the House of Choice.

The present doesn't serve as a bridge to the past and future, rather they serve the present. There is nothing greater than the present. All you have in life is now. It is the opportunity to shine Hashem's light upon the world. The letter הוה (present) form the bulk of the name of Hashem. By connecting to the present you add the י to הוה and form His name.

Being in the Present: 1b

When a person feels a constant need to rationally understand events in his life he is stuck firmly in the world of nature. The same is true when his focus is on figuring out ways he can escape from his present state. Only when a person is dependent on nothing - when he realizes that he understands and knows nothing and has no clarity about the future - is he then connected to the infinite-nothingness which is the revelation of Hashem's glory.

This is what it means to be in the present. Mentally escaping to the future is predicated on the assumption that one knows or assumes the future holds something better. It is another attempt to outsmart "what is" to escape to something better. The person is refusing to accept and feel that which Hashem is bringing to him right now. If he is ready to sink himself deeply into the present and to accept it without trying to move away he is then living in Hashem's world.

As long as a person is down about the lowly state in which he finds himself and wishes to be saved from it, he is stuck within his physical self and is not connecting to his inner wisdom. He lacks any understanding of the wisdom that is above nature and the physical world. When he accepts what is going on with love then he can begin to connect to wisdom. When he escapes the pain by that means he is leaving his physical boundaries and connecting to something higher.

Being in the Present: 1a

A person can pray about the future or acknowledge the past, but hisbodidus is always about the present. Intimacy is always in the present.

One person may look for assurances that her situation will change from the way it currently is; that she will be  extracted from her current bitter state and renewed to a better future. Another may hope that the present suffering will help her become a new person. Neither of them are living in the present. But there may be a person who wants to grasp the moment of time in which she currently finds herself. This is the secret of intimacy in the present. That will lead her to understanding and life in the present situation as is. (Also, despair is only for those who are living in the past or the future. For one living in the present there is no concept of despair.)

Prayer and self-reckoning are a search for a solution to a problem. If a person finds herself lacking in his Divine service, for example, she will contemplate the root of the problem and how to rectify it so that it no longer manifests itself. She may also seek assistance to change her ways.

Hisbodidus, by contrast, comes from the realization that she has nothing and cannot do anything. There is no solution in the world that she can implement. She is like a child or like someone mired in debt with no apparent way out. She is engaging in Hisbodidus as a means of bringing Hashem into her current situation and to breathe life into it; into the debts in which she is mired. Subsequently she will give some thought as to how to arrange things and to seek advice and direction. The point of the Hisbodidus is not to find solutions but to bring the issue before Hashem. To bring the feeling of being intimate with Hashem into the current situation.

Hashem Wants You: 6

A person may have excellent skills to do something rather simple on his own, while at the same time having the ability to perform even greater feats but needing the assistance of the others to accomplish them. You should know that the person's true beauty is revealed by those things that he can do alone. That is his lot before his Creator.

An example would be someone who is able to study Mishnah on his own, but finds it difficult to truly comprehend Gemara unless he is teaching it. He can then really bring to bear his full understanding of the material. It is clear that "his Torah" is Mishnah and his Gemara teaching is a way to actualize abilities that he can't actualize on his own. If he would then concentrate on Gemara study he may accomplish great things, but he is ignoring that which is intimately his. It may not bring him the most fame amongst people, but it is what really connects him to Hashem.

With all his amazing insights into the Gemara, which he doesn't see in his more simplistic study of Mishnah, he knows that his connection is superficial and he is not really connecting to Hashem through his study. The result is that after time he will be less inclined to prepare, as it is not something touching his essence, but something he just does. The class is lacking and he is lacking.

There is a strong possibility that if he would consult with someone for advice as to whether or not to continue the class he would be advised to continue teaching it as it is bringing out all of his deep insights. But that is because the issue is being asked and responded to quickly without either party really delving into the person's true nature. A superficial question and discussion produce a superficial decision. Only someone who knows him well and takes the time to really understand the issue can advise him on what to do to open himself up to Hashem. In the short-term it may be a longer discussion, but in the long-term it will save him much heartache and confusion.

That which is simplest and easiest to a person is his path to Hashem and he an't escape it. When he tries to exchange it for something else, he will quickly discover his lack of success.

Hashem Wants You: 5

If there is no place for focusing on one's shortcomings or on the good traits other's have but you are lacking as they disturb the intimate connection, where then does the concept come in that קנאת סופרים תרבה חכמה, jealousy of other's good points increases ones wisdom and good deeds?

The answer is that this type of jealousy is only of value to someone who really understands his own nature and is not seeking to exchange who he is for something else. Such a person has the ability to see what someone else is doing with his unique set of abilities and learn how to do something by then incorporating it into his own unique self and with his own set of skills. If, on the other hand, the jealousy mistakenly leads someone to lose his own self-respect and feels that his own life is worthless, then the jealousy has no value. When the Torah says that Rochel was jealous of her sister Leah our Sages explain that she was jealous of Leah's good deeds. I.e. she didn't want to be Leah, but she wanted to know how she could incorporate Leah's good deeds into her own personna. If a person is lacking self-knowledge he lacks the tools for self-improvement.

Furthermore, people say that a thief is not someone who knows how to steal, but one who actually steals. In the same vein one who is a scholar and pious is not one who has the book knowledge associated with learning and piety, but one who lives his learning and piety. Anyone with any understanding is aware that there is no value to great knowledge. Living what you know, that's where it's at. Better to know a little and live it genuinely than to be walking around with all the understanding in the world.

What is the value in coming before Hashem with all this understanding of what you should be and how your life should be, and what others are? Hashem will say in response, "Be who you are. Come to me with who you are, that is what is precious to me. Much more so than what you aren't, and you wish you were."

Hashem Wants You: 4

It's worth taking a look at the entire concept of חשבון הנפש, usually understood to mean a self-reckoning. The word חשבון is understood to be an accounting. The idea of חשבון הנפש then is to add up all the deeds one has or hasn't done, and what he aspires to do, and then ask for Divine assistance to accomplish the goals. However, the word חשבון can also be understood to be rooted in מחשבה, thought. The concept of חשבון הנפש would then be to the soul thinking in connection with its Creator.

Rebbe Nachman says that a broken heart and being down are not synonymous. Being down and frustrated is the work of one's ego. A broken heart, by contrast, is very precious to Hashem. Being down and angry that things aren't going your way, that is the ego taking control. A broken heart comes from a realization of distance and not wanting to feel distant. It is worth spending a small amount of time each day contemplating your distance from Hashem, but the rest of the day you should be joyful.

Hashem Wants You: 3

Imagine that you come to visit your friend and you are in the mood for a heart-to-heart talk. Your friend, rather than sitting down and engaging with you in an intimate manner, spends the entire time straightening up her home. You are desperately desiring to share your inner feelings and you are frustrated by your friend's inattention. Even if her efforts are geared to making her home nicer for you, that isn't why you made the effort to come.

The same is true when a person comes to communicate with Hashem. If the person spends her time talking about what she did or didn't do, or chooses to engage in a process of self-reckoning, Hashem's response is, "That's not what I want. Give me your heart. Give me your soul. Connect to me. Why are you speaking about these other things? That's for a different time." One's heart should know when it is appropriate to engage in a self-reckoning of one's behavior, and when it is time to sing songs of praise to Hashem.

Sometimes it is more comfortable to be a guest is a home that is somewhat disorganized because you feel that you are experiencing the home as it genuinely is. They haven't made any out of the ordinary efforts on your behalf, but are presenting their home as it truly is. On the other hand, if you feel that an inordinate amount of effort has been expended to preparing for your arrival, it may be beautiful, but it feels uncomfortable and fake.

In the same vein, when a person brings Hashem into her heart as is, without giving any thought to how she can present herself in a better manner, it is very precious in Hashem's eyes. The person is living in integrity and is bringing true nachas to Him.

Figuring out what you are doing right or wrong in your life has a place, but it's place is not when you are trying to connect to Hashem. Self-reckoning is focusing on one's self; davening is focusing on a relationship. Both are needed, but they are found in disparate places.

Hashem Wants You: 2

When there is a real relationship - in which case what really counts is the relationship itself - then it is love that is not dependent on something external. Both parties want the connection they share and the relationship without giving thought to those things that come along with a relationship. Since they are strongly connected, if one of them does not act towards the other in a perfect manner - in a manner appropriate for people who are engaged in a relationship - the other forgives and does not become all upset. The inner love has now brought about a change in external behavior.

Someone who conducts himself in this manner - that his main focus is on the heart-to-heart connection and not on superficial behaviors - can also connect to Hashem. He can seek a relationship and companionship even if he is not fit on the basis of his behavior alone. This is because even between people there is a concept of "Love atones for all sins," and he now seeks such a relationship with his Creator.

Hashem Wants You: 1

Hashem wants a relationship with a person because of his very existence, his soul. It has nothing to do with any good points the person has or doesn't have. This is similar to the fact that prior to marriage there are many praises heaped on the bride or groom as far as how wonderful they are. Most of these are irrelevant once the marriage has begun. That is because these are all superficial and once the marriage begins what really matter is how the couple relates to each other, not what other strong points they might have. So, too, in order to have a true relationship with Hashem you do not resort just to superficial behaviors but to directly relating.

Imagine a woman who works hard every day to prepare a good meal. But each day she is distraught because she doesn't do as good a job as other women. She criticizes herself for her failure. Eventually her husband can't stand listening to her daily bitterness and says to her, "I appreciate what you cook every day. But I would rather have raw vegetables and peace. Why must you worry every day about what others have and we don't?"

In the same vein if a person's self-perception is that he is of little value, and he is not someone worthy of others' esteem, and every time he approaches Hashem with what he is, he kvetches that "Here I am. But I am not good and worthy like others," then his words do not bring him into Hashem's favor at a time of intimacy. At that time people want reality, not lamenting about some Utopian dream that is unattainable presently. What is wanted is satisfaction from who the person is, not worrying about what others have.