Relationship of Give & Take: 5

A recipient may start to wonder: How many times do I need to hear from the donor that he loves and desires his relationship with me. Do I need to hear that every day?

There is a fundamental error that is leading to this question. It is predicated on the assumption that a relationship between a bestower and a recipient (and by extension between man and Hashem) is similar to any superficial relationship between two people. In the physical world people are separate. With all the love and friendship each has his own body and his own life. Every person has thoughts and desires which no one else can penetrate. Even if a person is agreeable for someone else to assist him, in his mind he always expects that at some point in time he can repay that assistance. There is something lacking, therefore, in the relationship. As much as the recipient is hoping someday to reciprocate, the donor certainly had no plans to ever need the assistance of the currently poor person.

This is all true between two people who are separate. But when it comes to Hashem a person has no existence without Hashem. He has nothing without Hashem's face shining upon him raising him up and instilling within him the foundation of his life. All day and all night a person will not tire of hearing how precious, important and desired he is by Hashem. What else is there to life? He needs this power greatly as it is the very essence of his life in service of Hashem and enables him to fulfill the will of Hashem with love, awe and a close relationship.

When a person realizes that whatever is has is merely frosting on the cake. The only thing that really matters is his relationship with Hashem, and really feels it in his heart, he will then appreciate that he needs Hashem constantly to uplift his spirits. That is why the Sages instituted to recite Shemoneh Esray three times a day. Those 18 Berachos instill within a person his very life.

Relationship of Give & Take: 4

It is no small thing to raise the stature of the recipient. There are people who are not naturally recipients. Never having been impoverished and suddenly finding himself to be a taker, his self-image is not very low and it is easy to raise his spirits.

But another person may have been poor his entire life and can't remember one good day since he was born. This person may have a completely broken spirit and feels that his very foundations are collapsing. It is not easy to raise his spirits. It is very difficult to lift up such a person until he truly believes that we really love him. Like a clumsy child who has never had success it is hard to convince him that Hashem loves him. This is what the Kabbalists call מלכות (Malchus) which has nothing of its own in its essence.

Therefore it is needed for the donor to repeatedly renew his statements that are meant to lift the spirits of the recipient. Superficial statements and ones that go deeper, about every aspect of the recipient until they are fully connected. Until his stature is raised fully.

Tears

This afternoon I happened to be reading a later portion of Yichud HaHisbodidus which turned out to be very pertinent to Yom Kippur. The Ariza"l speaks of the significance of crying on Yom Kippur. Some years I find it difficult to cry; this year it was easy.

The Light wants that the vessel should be subordinate to it. When they are engaged in conflict and the vessel is not subordinate, and then the tears break out, the meaning of the tears is that the vessel is saying that it is willing to be subordinate from now on. This is a significant moment, the giving of self over to the bestower.

When there are tears in the eyes of one of the two parties, in the middle of shouting and arguing, this is not an expressing of disaffection and distance, but of a desire to improve things from here on. Indeed a significant moment.

Flesh and blood, in his hubris, upon seeing tears, mistakenly interprets it as a sign of distancing, that the other side has been pushed down and away. But an understanding person understands that when the other party has come to tears, he or she is expressing a willingness to change, and recognizes that this is an opportunity to create a greater connection than that which previously existed.

When the other party does not wish to connect he won't come to tears, on the contrary, he will become harder and closed. We see by children that it is not a punishment per se that leads to subordination, but the feeling of being distant from their parent. That's why you can give a painful punishment that does not result in the child subordinating himself, whereas it can be sufficient to demonstrate just a bit of distance and the child is full of tears and regrets.

This is why Hashem says נחמו עמי, "Be comforted, my nation," as he sees our tears in exile. He understands the great connection that exists at the time the tears are flowing, and he is appeased and desirous of the Jewish Nation.

You can see that Moshe made his greatest requests at the time of greatest distance - after the sin of the Golden Calf. He requested then that Hashem teach his Attributes of Mercy and that He should travel with the Jewish Nation and not send an angel in his stead. He continued to ask, "And how will it indeed be known that I and your nation have found favor in your eyes? Only if you go with us. And I and your nation will be distinguished from all the nations in the face of the Earth." Rashi explains that Moshe was requesting that Hashem not rest the Schechinah any longer on the idolatrous nations.

How did Moshe have the chutzpah to speak in this manner after such a terrible sin? Was this a time of closeness like the giving of the Torah? Was the Nation in good standing with Hashem? They had been corrupted and their stature lowered. How did he have the gall to make such great requests?

The understanding is that when there is a rapprochement after anger a very caring feeling is created. Moshe found it to be an appropriate time to accomplish something great by awakening the eternal closeness between Israel and its Father in Heaven. Hashem was responsive to him, by saying, "Also that which you spoke I will do, for you have found favor in my eyes."

Additionally, Moshe established the way to ask Hashem for forgiveness. Since the fact is that we are dear to Hashem and that sin does not create distance, when a person does Teshuva after a sin, he then needs to have the ability and the strength to ask for things that he never would have thought of asking for at any other time.

Relationship of Give & Take: 3b

When he has these thoughts, the donor shines a bright light on the heart of the recipient. Previously ,when their relationship was superficial, the poor person wondered if he was really appreciated by the donor. Now, however, that their relationship has become deeper, since the donor realizes and emphasizes his own need for a relationship with the poor person, the stature of the recipient is fully grown.

Now the recipient can move on to the next step. He can speak from the depths of his heart on the basis of a real relationship. He knows the donor wants him, is happy with him and needs him. He feels that the praises that he is hearing from the donor are not just to raise his spirits, but are coming because of the real relationship they have.

At this point in time the relationship really begins; their hearts are one. They are on an equal footing and they are speaking face-to-face. There is no longer any hierarchy as to who must speak first, because the total connection - inside and outside - is a very settled feeling. This is the connection made at the end of Shemoneh Esray in the Brocha of Sim Shalom, when a person feel completely connected to Hashem, which beings him to all that which good and precious. He is truly serving his Creator as he has a face-to-face relationship with Him. "With the light of your face you have given us, Hashem our God, a living Torah, loving kindness, righteousness, blessing, mercy, life and peace and all that is good."

Relationship of Give & Take: 3a

All of this is still just a beginning. Now we need to get to the next step of relationship. Two people can unexpectedly meet each other, for example at a wedding, and  enjoy a good conversation. One may ask the other for advice, and they find it very enjoyable. But it is all superficial, there is no proactive desire to relate.

In our story, the poor person may feel that now that he has arrived the donor is happy to see him, but he absolutely does not believe that the donor wanted him to show up in the first place. Would the donor have invited him to come to his house in order to develop a relationship? There is still something lacking in the building-up of the recipient on the part of the donor. The relationship is still superficial.

To have a deeper connection, that the recipient knows that the giver needs him and craves a relationship with him soul-to-soul, there has to be a connection on a completely different level. The recipient should not feel like he needs the donor, rather the donor, on his own initiative, should make it clear that he greatly needs the poor person and would gladly invite him. This will instill in the heart of the poor person how significant he really is.Only then will his self-image be completely restored.

The donor needs first to instill in his own heart that the recipient is bringing benefits to himself. He can initiate the relationship only when he realizes how he was lacking until this poor person arrived and brought him goodness and light.

Relationship of Give & Take: 2

All of this is still a left-handed hug. Even after hearing the welcoming and generous words of the donor, the heart of the recipient refuses to believe that the donor is really happy to see him. He sits in his ragged clothes in the mansion of the donor and can't truly believe that the donor is happy to invite him in. He assumes that the donor is merely trying to make him feel better; nothing more. "He probably says this to every poor person who comes knocking at this door." Only if he truly believes that the donor is happy to see him will he feel himself enlightened and hugged by the right hand.

If the donor would turn to the poor person for advice or ask him to do a favor for him or really engage him in conversation, then the recipient would really feel that the donor is happy to see him. If the donor, rather than being filled with ego about his successes and knowledge, would instead feel that the poor person is a vehicle of the Shechinah, which has come to him with honesty and simplicity to show him an approach to life of which he was previously unaware, he could then cleanse himself of any twisted notions and breathe new life into himself. If he would communicate his appreciation of this to the poor person sitting in his living room, the poor person would feel the appreciation and feel very much built up.

Relationship of Give & Take: 1

A poor person can approach someone and request a donation and the donor can give it with impatience and get rid of him as quickly as possible. Alternatively, he might give him the donation in a way that the poor person won't see him and won't be embarrassed. The flaw in these approaches is that no relationship has been developed between the donor and the recipient. The donor got his Mitzvah, the poor person got his cash and the each go on their own way with no connection between them.

There is another possibility. The donor can greet the poor person with "I am so happy that you came," treat him in an honorable manner and invite him in. Even before listening to the poor person's tale of woe and suffering and his list of needs he can smile at him and let him know that his arrival is welcomed. "Your cause is very important to me. I have money set aside to help out people in your situation, and I appreciate your approaching me." This bright attitude raises the spirits of the poor person and helps him increase his self image as we have discussed earlier.

Basic Concepts of Yichud: 4

Sometimes a person feels hurt and bitter. His words run, seemingly by themselves, to Hashem and he pours out his situation with no introduction and no preparation. After all, where else will he turn when he feels constricted and confused if not to his Father in Heaven?

This is like a child who comes running in to his father with screams and cries about something that happened to him. This is not a time for a calm and reasoned conversation. Rather, the father listens to the cries and does what he can to soothe the child. After the child has unburdened himself, then he is back to his previous state and calm.

It is the same with this sort of prayer. When a person unloads his Neshama and pours out his bitterness with no thought given to exactly how to say things, this is when Hashem responds, "You're in pain, shout at me!" Subsequently a person can return to his previous relationship with Hashem.

But Rebbe Nachman taught that  you needn't wait until you find yourself in dire straits, rather, a person should pour his feelings out to Hashem every single day. This will require some preparation. At first you may feel like you are standing outside, tongue-tied and unsure how to enter or what to say. Then you will find yourself in the doorway, your heart still feeling closed but you are slowly getting comfortable. Step-by-step until you feel connected to Hashem. All along you are gearing up your heart to respond to the call of Hashem. Hearing His call you realize your self-worth and build yourself up until you feel comfortable engaging in self-expression. Then you can connect to Hashem in the way you feel comfortable and in a timely manner.

When a person manages to create a proper relationship he will ask Hashem to direct him to truly serve Him, and he will find within himself the ability and desire to love, have awe, emulate, do the will, and fully serve Hashem.

Basic Concepts of Yichud: 3

Anytime that a person communicates alone with Hashem - no one is infringing on their private space, and he feels like he is the only one in the world - a good feeling fills his heart. He has a private space and a time when there is someone who treasures him more than anything else, and makes him into a prince who He honors.

When a person connects to Hashem his heart feels something deep inside, that Hashem is building him up, raising him up and considering him to be the epitome of Creation. Even though he doesn't exactly comprehend how it happened, and he didn't have any verbal formula that brought him to this state of closeness, he came to this state of communion with Hashem merely by deciding to be with Him, nothing else. The result is an incomparable feeling.

This sweet feeling reminds a person that he is not alone in the world and that he will have more opportunities to enjoy a closeness with the one who understands his heart. It's like a wedding ring that remains on a woman's finger to remind her that she is always a bride. Even if she isn't always under the Chuppah, but the glow of the wedding remains forever.

Basic Concepts of Yichud: 2

When a person hears from the recesses of his heart the fact that Hashem has chosen him and desires him, he is encouraged to focus on his good points. It leads him to feel comfortable expressing in thought and words his deepest desires that he wishes to express to Hashem. He connects the situation in which he presently finds himself to Hashem.

Prior to the Men of the Great Assembly establishing a set order of prayer each person prayed what was in his heart. This was his or her own רוח הקודש, Divine Spirit. But even today when a person converses with Hashem in his own words it is also Ruach HaKodesh. As Rebbe Nachman writes, "Whatever a person discusses with his Creator is an expression of Ruach HaKodesh."

This is the epitome of a connection with Hashem, that the heart feels deeply that Hashem is united with it. Similar to what we find by Mt Sinai "Face to face Hashem spoke with you." No one else can understand the personal experience of the unification of the Neshama with its Beloved.

The experience is that of אתה הראית לדעת כי ה' הוא האלוקים אין עוד מלבדו, "You have shown us to know that Hashem is God there is none other than He." Every person has the ability to feel the unity of Hashem.

Self vs. Connection

On Rosh Hashanah I was studying a different work by Rav Avraham Zvi Kluger called Nezer Yisroel. At the end of Vol. IV there were a few essays that are pertinent to Rosh Hashanah. One of them touched on some concepts that are related to the ideas that we have been exploring from Yichud haHisbodidus so I have chosen to share part of this essay.

There are two ways in which a persons sense of self (as opposed to a sense of being part of Hashem) manifests itself. The first one is what we would called hubris (גאוה) in which a person feels that he deserves all the credit for his successes. If a person wishes to unify with Hashem even a whiff of this attitude creates a barrier between Hashem and His beloved children.

There is, however, another attitude that may appear to be the opposite of hubris, but in reality it creates an self-based separation as well. There are times that one can feel completely unsuccessful and that nothing he does is worthwhile. The person feels low and weak. This may appear to be humility, but the reality is that this is a deeper form of a sense of self and separation from Hashem.

In the first sense that we mentioned, hubris, it is obvious that the person feels separate from Hashem. As the hand of Hashem is invisible, the person is under the delusion that he has no need for Hashem's help. Life has a way of disabusing a person of this notion. It teaches a person that he is nothing by himself. All it takes is a moment of such recognition to realize the falsehood of hubris.

In the case of the other attitude, the person feels alone, abandoned and weak. The reality is that the person is part of Hashem, "Bone of His Bone," but by feeling abandoned and left to his or her own devices there is an absolute separation. The first attitude is easy to identify and to rectify, in the second case the person can immerse himself completely in a feeling of emptiness and depression. Even though he "knows" that he should have a positive attitude, he is completely given over to the "truth" of his awful situation.

To get a deeper appreciation of this matter we need to understand a basic concept of Chassidic thought.

Sometimes when people feel down and inadequate they base their self-understanding on Mussar-based teachings. There are those who teach that a person should regularly engage in a reckoning of his behavior to raise his own awareness of how far he is from the ideal.

Chassidic thought teaches that whereas the left arm pushes away, the right arm (the stronger one) pulls close.  Yes, there is a bit of a pendulum that swings between these two, but the pulling of the right arm never allows room for the feeling of inadequacy to take root. There are those who mistakenly assume that the Chassidic Masters taught this only because they were afraid that if people saw the reality (that they were indeed inadequate) that they would be incapable of functioning, and the Mussar approach is true and is for those who wish to face the truth.

But it all depends on how one understands serving Hashem. If service of Hashem consists of staying away from wrongdoing and doing good deeds (including thoughts and speech) then there is basis for the Mussar approach. Even if the result is that the person will feel distant, the goal is to get him to choose good behaviors and telling the person how inadequate he is may just spur him to do more "good."

However, the RASHB"I, the Ariza"l and especially the Baal Shem Tov started to teach that the main goal of life is to unify with Hashem. If that's so then the weight given to various activities is completely different. We are focused now on ובחרת בחיים, "You should choose life," which refers to the constant feeling of being unified with Hashem.

Generally when we think of Amalek we think of a bloodthirsty enemy intent on destroying the fledgling Jewish Nation. But there is also an Amalek attitude against which Hashem Himself fights. כי יד על כס יה מלחמה לה' בעמלק, Hashem swear on His throne that he has a war with Amalek. The name used here for Hashem is יה, it is a part of the full name of Hashem. The name is incomplete and un-unified. Amalek is that power and that attitude which prevents unification.

On Rosh Hashanah the Shofar is blown with various sounds which represent sighing and crying. These are the sighs and cries of people who feel separated from Hashem and sunk into depression because of their individual situations and that which they lack in their lives. People often don't realize how this is an Amalek attitude. This is because they have not been enlightened with the attitude that all that counts is finding ways to connect to Hashem. Not just believing that there is such a concept in which Holy people can engage, but a recognition that every person is connected to the Shechinah and has the ability to unify with Hashem. This unification is the recognition that one is connected to Hashem.

When one finds him or herself feeling full of cries and sighs on being separate from a sense of a spiritual connection, the very recognition of this state and the understanding that he can, and should, be connected is, in and of itself a unification with Hashem and a coming close again.

Basic Concepts of Yichud: 1

The first rule of being a bestower is to do so in a manner that raises the stature of the recipient. Namely that the recipient feels his own self-worth and his happy to receive. For example, if a poor person knocks on someone's door, the homeowner can either just give a donation, or choose to do so with a smile on his face. He can tell his visitor, "I am so happy that you came," and similar statements that will build him up and let him know that he is valued by the homeowner. His subsequent receiving is a completely different experience. (I recall having a guest when I lived in Los Angeles who could not stop telling me how he had been a guest at a friend for a Shabbos meal and the host had said "I am so honored that you came." For years he would tell this over; it meant so much to him. CL)

Being built up creates the desire for a relationship without even getting involved in the nitty gritty details of who the recipient is and other reasons that give him value and favor in the eyes of the bestower. What occurred is an expression of desire to give and to connect. When a person hears of his great value, as if Hashem has said to him "I am so glad that you came," it awakens him. His self-esteem is increased when he knows that Hashem desires him and wants the person to come speak with Him. These wonderful words drift down from the Bestower and fall upon the recipient like life-giving dew.

There can't be greatness where there is small-mindedness. If you want a connection of greatness you can't come with smallness. It is necessary to connect to the great love Hashem has for you and to use this to light up the situation in which you find yourself. Don't view your situation as being unique or that you are alone. In order to leave small-mindedness you can't be busy with it at all, rather, you need to focus on the greatness of your soul and listen to the inner voice which is telling you what a great Neshama you have. After that you can deal with your small-mindedness which is best dealt with indirectly.

The first step to proper davening is building self-esteem. A person needs to renew his understanding of his value to Hashem, and to realize that Hashem wishes to build him up.

At this point it is still premature to appreciate the depth of the connection. Still, it is the first step to allowing oneself to truly connect.

Basic Concepts of Yichud: Preface

Davening has the ability to create a perfect יחוד (Unity) between the bestower and the recipient, leading to a definite connection to Hashem. But it is important to realize that this is not accomplished in one moment; rather it is step by step. Just as within davening itself there is an order - a person should praise Hashem prior to making requests - so too, there is a process by which a person introduces his heart to davening.

We can use Esther HaMalkah (who is a metaphor for the Neshama) as an example. When she wished to influence the king to do her will, she did not immediately begin with her request. She invited the king to a feast at which it became clear that the king wished to do her will, after all, he extended the golden scepter. She then continued step by step until it became time to shout out, "My request is for my life, and I am asking for my nation."

In any dialogue, for example a conversation amongst relatives, you don't immediately feel the strength of the connection. An intelligent person allows himself to be relaxed as the connection deepens; he knows it takes time. The same is true in the world of spirituality, the lot of someone who davens, he needs to know and understand that he is rising slowly slowly until the desired goal.

Basic Concepts of Yichud: Introduction

The following is a quote from the Sefer HaIkkarim.

The Torah describes the love of Hashem for the Jewish Nation as חשק (Cheshek). The word חשק connotes a great love for no explainable reason... even if there is someone more attractive. That is how Hashem loves the Jewish Nation - for no reason. The entire Shir HaShirim (Song of Songs) is dedicated to probing this love. It not based on numbers or on any qualitative distinction, it is a love without reason which emanates from the will of the Lover alone. It is the manner of one who is in love that even a small thing that he or she receives from the one they love is more pleasing than a great thing from someone else. So too it the attitude of Hashem to anything that reaches him from the Jewish Nation.

The Foundations of Relationship:6b

At Creation, the will of Hashem was that the Creation that had emanated from Himself should have the free-will to see itself as separate and having its own existence. But when spiritually inclined people unite with their Beloved Hashem with faith, then Creation returns to Unity, totally subordinate to His light as it had been prior to Creation.

This is not the unification of disparate items. Rather it is One that is returning to its state of unity as it were before the initial separation (i.e. prior to the creation of the situation in which someone could mistakenly see himself as separate.) At this time of total unity it is clear that there is no existence other than the One Hashem. This is not the self-nullification of an independent entity, but the self-incorporation within the source - the Light of Hashem. The recipient says: I have no existence. Only You are existence. I am subordinate and incorporated within Your existence. This understanding is the foundation of spiritual life for every aspect of human life.

This is the concept of the unity of the names יהוה and אדני (There are differing opinions about the writing of the names of Hashem on a computer with regards to issues of erasure. I am following those who say it is not problematic.) as it discussed in many Chassidic works. The name אדני connotes a master over a slave. This indicates that there is an existent world which is subordinate to the mastery of a God who formed and created it. יהוה connotes that the only existence is that of Hashem. There is no other existence. The unity of יהוה with אדני is not just to unite the two of them, rather it is to reveal that אדני is truly יהוה. This is not a subordinate existence but really something which has no self-existence, that is why it is subordinate. The true Unity is the realization that there is only One.

This work is dedicated to teaching how one can actually live, with heart and mind, with thought, speech and deed, in all of life's situations, the Unity with Hashem which is the purpose of creation and the fulcrum of life.

The Foundations of Relationship:6a

Based on the concept that we have previously presented, that people are vessels to receive the light of Hashem, we can understand the following:

The Torah describes the creation of Woman from Man. We need to consider this in light of the understanding that all people are receivers from Hashem. Whatever is described in the creation of Chava is equally true of any recipient in Creation.

All of the farm animals, wild animals and birds were initially created separately, male as well as female. Only man was created as one unified being - like his Creator. Subsequently Hashem stated that He would make a helpmate opposite him. He put Adam to sleep and "took one of his ribs. And God built the rib that he had taken from the Man into a Woman, and He brought her to the Man. And the Man said 'this time a bone from my bone and flesh from my flesh. She shall be referred to as אשה (woman) for she was taken from an איש (man).'"

The very rib which ultimately became an independent being was initially a bone from his bones. When they were united it was an integral part of him. Afterwards, when Hashem took it and built it, and brought her to Adam, Adam and Chava saw what was clearly true, that she was a bone from his bones and was not a separate existence (as it seemed while he was sleeping.) This is why he called her אשה, because her very being was taken from him.

The result was that in their subsequent life together it was not a joining between two disparate parts - as we would find by the other creatures that were not created as one being - but with man the one that had become two, now returned to a perfect unity as had existed prior to the initial separation.  At the time of completion there are not two entities, but only one that is now returning to it pre-separation state. The recipient is clearly not separate, as it seemed at the time of its formation, but a rib of the ribs of the one who provided for her, for from Man she was taken.

The Foundations of Relationship: 5b

A person who subordinates himself to his Creator is modest with his behaviors and does not reveal them publicly. His whole relationship with his Creator is private so why would he feel a need to paint himself before others with a superficial picture. But someone who does not subordinate himself to Hashem feels  a lack of peace and tranquility if he is not exhibiting himself outwards, he feels that he has nothing. He therefore tells others of his stature and accomplishments and takes pride in them. He makes efforts to attribute some sort of accomplishment to himself. He lacks the awareness that true accomplishment comes from a total giving over of oneself to his Creator.

It is most appropriate for a woman to dress nicely and put on makeup. Done in that way to be attractive to her husband is a beautiful expression of Tznius (modesty). If she is doing so to catch the attention of those outside of her marriage it is the diametric opposite of Tznius. So too, a person needs to beautify himself with pride in his spiritual accomplishments before his Creator. But when he takes pride in them before others it has the opposite effect, and before his Creator he is naked of any beauty. A person needs to reveal himself as a vessel for Hashem's honor and glory and the light then shines upon him and gives him life.

Even though everything a person has ultimately comes from Hashem, and any adornments we put on to present ourselves to Hashem come from Him, He appreciates our coming before Him with what he gives us as we are carrying with pride what we received from Him.

Do Not Disturb

This is not from the Sefer Yichud HaHisbodidus. It is an article I wrote a year ago which was published in Hamoida. I remembered about this article this afternoon when I received an email from an acquaintance who had stumbled over this blog and had found it very meaningful. I am posting it here as it is relevant to our theme of making davening meaningful.

The headline of the ad on the back page of Hamodia Magazine read: Gedolim and Rabbonim Demand: Turn off your cell phones before davening.
Demand!
The first vision that entered my mind was of visiting my grandparents when I was a child and accompanying my grandfather to shul. If someone spoke during Krias HaTorah  the Rov would walk up to thebimah bang his hand loudly and shout at those who were speaking to quiet down. I can picture him standing there, his facing burning with righteous indignation, his large round eyes giving a piercingly angry look at the transgressors. I was certainly terrified to speak there.
But as my thoughts turned to the present and the issue at hand I realized that what troubled me was: Why is the ad focusing on a symptom instead of worrying about the core issue?
I would encourage you to read the introductory section to Rav Kook's Olas R'Iyah on Tefillah. See how he poetically describes over and over again that Tefillah, being an Avodah She'Ba'Lev, is meant to be an expression of one's pining desire for a relationship with Hashem. As we awake in the morning we are wanting to connect to Him before we go out into the world and engage in our mundane pursuits. As we conclude our workday and are returning home, we desperately desire to reconnect with Hashem to share with Him all the emotions and struggles that we contended with during the day. As we are about to go to sleep we once again want to take leave of Him before we lay down to sleep. If people would come to shul desperately wanting to utilize the time to enhance their relationship with Hashem would they be taking out their cell phones in the middle of davening?!

Imagine a husband and wife who love each other who have had to be apart for a period of time. Finally, they are able to arrange to spend a weekend in a hotel together. Will anyone need to demand of them to hang the do-not-disturb sign on their door?

But when davening is a Halachic obligation that one must fulfill, or one is davening out of a sense of needing to do it in order to get what he or she wants, and one is lacking that thirst to connect to Hashem, is there any wonder that the result is people speaking on their cell phones? Their needs to be a paradigm shift in the way Tefillah is being taught to children as well as to adults. Here are my "demands" to that end:

• I "demand" that children not be taught to daven until they are old enough to understand what they are saying. (By the way, this is what Chazal teach as well.)
• I "demand" that the emphasis on Tefillah education be moved from a Halachic based model to one that emphasizes and models the meaning of Avodah She'Ba'Lev. Even teaching the meaning of the words of davening, vital as that is, needs to be subordinated to the very foundation of Tefillah itself.
• I "demand" that the concept of Tov me'at b'kavanah, that it is better to cover less ground in the siddur and to do so with a real connection to Hashem, rather than getting through the prescribed daily Tefillah but lacking any relationship withHashem, be emphasized in all schools and shuls.

As one of the first steps for the Exodus from Egypt, the Torah says that the King of Mitzryaim died and the Children of Israel sighed from the work and they cried out to Hashem. Mitzrayim  is frequently understood to be a metaphor for being in a constricted place. It is only when we remove the constrictions that bind us, when we let out a sigh of relief from the freedom of seeing Tefillah as work, as a chore that must be done, rather than as something we are chalishing  to do, that we will truly be able to cry out to Hashem and be free.

The Foundations of Relationship:5a

As we have mentioned, all of Creation are recipients from Hashem. Therefore any concepts applicable to those who are receivers apply to all mankind whoever they are. It stands to reason then that the concepts of צניעות (modesty) which are primarily applied to women - who primarily symbolize the role of the recipient - are applicable to all people, as everyone is a recipient from Hashem. All those who have received the Torah are considered as the bride of Hashem.

The concept of צניעות is that of self-nullification and giving ones self over to the bestower. Everyone needs to have this attitude towards Hashem in order to receive His light and enable Him to have a dwelling place on Earth. Spiritual people have an awareness that they are vessels to receive the light that Hashem bestows according to His will.

Covering of the hair (for men and women) is an expression of this subordination. An uncovered head is a statement of ones conducting his or herself in an independent manner and is an expression of hubris. The head is the seat of thinking and it is in the intellect where a person can most easily err to feel that his success is independent of Hashem. By covering it a person is acknowledging his submission to Hashem.

This is why a head covering is called a כיפה, it shares a root with the word כפיפה which means bent in submission, as the Gemara says "Cover your head in order that you have awe of Heaven."

The Foundations of Relationship: 4b

An understanding person knows that despite all of the efforts he exerts, his accomplishments are attributed to Hashem who has bestowed upon him the Light. Even though he is the one who actualized all the details of his own life, nevertheless, as he is merely the vessel for the light - the recipient - the glory is to the Eternal and the Creation has no independent existence.

Many people view the ideal of any relationship as being 50-50. They may even view the recipient (in our earlier example that would be the workers) as being higher than the bestower as they are the ones who are exerting the greatest amount of physical effort and they view the workers as having the greatest share of the outcome.

However, the Torah teaches us that there is light and there is a vessel. As long as all the light and life comes from the bestower, the existence of the recipient is predicated on how far he subordinates his or herself to the bestower. It is clear that the success of the project is based on the extent to which each worker give himself over to the overall building plan. Were each worker to decide that he was going to follow his own ideas the project would be a failure.

The Foundations of Relationship: 4A

If a person chooses to live in the manner - with the awareness that his vessel is subordinate to the Light, such that he has no self-existence - he will discover that this is far from easy. This is because the recipient is constantly screaming out "I have my own existence," even though without the bestower he would have nothing at all.

This is similar to a person who merits to receive inspiration from a Tzaddik and subsequently, on the strength of that inspiration, puts great effort into serving Hashem and Torah study. Imagine if afterwards someone were to say to him, "Indeed, you put in a lot of effort. However, it was not from yourself, it was all from what the Tzaddik gave you. What you received from your teacher is what gave you the ability to accomplish. It was all him!"

In response to this the inspired person begins to shout, "What difference does it make if the Tzaddik inspired me?! I am the one who worked day and night. All that work was mine. His inspiration got me started, but I am the one who put in the effort to continue." It is undoubtedly true that a mother is the one who carries the burden of childbirth, but without a father there would be nothing. So too, in our case the "father" of the accomplishment is the one who inspired, not the one who did.

This is true in many areas. When workers build a building with great effort and sweat, no one attributes the finial product to the workers, rather it is known for the company that built it or perhaps the architect. They are the ones who are credited with bringing forth the project from beginning to end. The workers shout : Without us there would be no building, we toiled to bring about the result. They are correct. But the rest of the world will credit those who came up with the idea to build or who facilitated the building. Not those who actualized it.

The Foundations of Relationship: 3

This is the central distinctions between the spiritual levels that are completely good (referred to in Kaballistic terminology as אצילות) and the lower levels (בריאה, יצירה, עשייה) in which elements of evil are mixed in. (I apologize, I cannot elaborate on these Kabbalistic terms within the scope of this particular blog. I have included links for those who wish to pursue some understanding. There is no Kaballistic knowledge needed to grasp the messages of Yichud HaHisbodidus.)

On the lower levels  Creation is not completely subordinate to the Light of Hashem. It senses itself as separate and having its own existence. Any creation would say that is is either fully or partially independent, but certainly has a sense of self. It recognizes that in addition to itself there is Creator whom it must serve and it should choose good in that service, but it still carefully maintains its own identity. What it is lacking is the realization that without the Light from Hashem it would have no existence. That is why these levels are referred to as separate. Not that they are truly separate, but they view themselves as such.

However, in the higher levels where all is good, where the vessels are subordinate to the light they contain, there is a recognition of the fact that their existence is solely to serve as containers. This is what is stated (by women) in the Morning Blessings: שעשני כרצונו, "That He has made me according to His will." A woman is not expressing her recognition in the negative as man does when he recites שלא עשני, "That he did not make me..." A man is stating that I am happy with who I am and I am thankful I was not created differently. The woman, by contrast is expressing her nature and her life in subordination to Hashem, with her special Blessing "That He has made me according to His will." I have nothing; His will is primary. From this self-nullification flows her life and value. This is the most beautiful Blessing possible for a creation, the recognition that with regards to the Bestower, she recognizes her level and acknowledges שעשני כרצונו.