Relationship of Give & Take: 5

A recipient may start to wonder: How many times do I need to hear from the donor that he loves and desires his relationship with me. Do I need to hear that every day?

There is a fundamental error that is leading to this question. It is predicated on the assumption that a relationship between a bestower and a recipient (and by extension between man and Hashem) is similar to any superficial relationship between two people. In the physical world people are separate. With all the love and friendship each has his own body and his own life. Every person has thoughts and desires which no one else can penetrate. Even if a person is agreeable for someone else to assist him, in his mind he always expects that at some point in time he can repay that assistance. There is something lacking, therefore, in the relationship. As much as the recipient is hoping someday to reciprocate, the donor certainly had no plans to ever need the assistance of the currently poor person.

This is all true between two people who are separate. But when it comes to Hashem a person has no existence without Hashem. He has nothing without Hashem's face shining upon him raising him up and instilling within him the foundation of his life. All day and all night a person will not tire of hearing how precious, important and desired he is by Hashem. What else is there to life? He needs this power greatly as it is the very essence of his life in service of Hashem and enables him to fulfill the will of Hashem with love, awe and a close relationship.

When a person realizes that whatever is has is merely frosting on the cake. The only thing that really matters is his relationship with Hashem, and really feels it in his heart, he will then appreciate that he needs Hashem constantly to uplift his spirits. That is why the Sages instituted to recite Shemoneh Esray three times a day. Those 18 Berachos instill within a person his very life.

Relationship of Give & Take: 4

It is no small thing to raise the stature of the recipient. There are people who are not naturally recipients. Never having been impoverished and suddenly finding himself to be a taker, his self-image is not very low and it is easy to raise his spirits.

But another person may have been poor his entire life and can't remember one good day since he was born. This person may have a completely broken spirit and feels that his very foundations are collapsing. It is not easy to raise his spirits. It is very difficult to lift up such a person until he truly believes that we really love him. Like a clumsy child who has never had success it is hard to convince him that Hashem loves him. This is what the Kabbalists call מלכות (Malchus) which has nothing of its own in its essence.

Therefore it is needed for the donor to repeatedly renew his statements that are meant to lift the spirits of the recipient. Superficial statements and ones that go deeper, about every aspect of the recipient until they are fully connected. Until his stature is raised fully.

Tears

This afternoon I happened to be reading a later portion of Yichud HaHisbodidus which turned out to be very pertinent to Yom Kippur. The Ariza"l speaks of the significance of crying on Yom Kippur. Some years I find it difficult to cry; this year it was easy.

The Light wants that the vessel should be subordinate to it. When they are engaged in conflict and the vessel is not subordinate, and then the tears break out, the meaning of the tears is that the vessel is saying that it is willing to be subordinate from now on. This is a significant moment, the giving of self over to the bestower.

When there are tears in the eyes of one of the two parties, in the middle of shouting and arguing, this is not an expressing of disaffection and distance, but of a desire to improve things from here on. Indeed a significant moment.

Flesh and blood, in his hubris, upon seeing tears, mistakenly interprets it as a sign of distancing, that the other side has been pushed down and away. But an understanding person understands that when the other party has come to tears, he or she is expressing a willingness to change, and recognizes that this is an opportunity to create a greater connection than that which previously existed.

When the other party does not wish to connect he won't come to tears, on the contrary, he will become harder and closed. We see by children that it is not a punishment per se that leads to subordination, but the feeling of being distant from their parent. That's why you can give a painful punishment that does not result in the child subordinating himself, whereas it can be sufficient to demonstrate just a bit of distance and the child is full of tears and regrets.

This is why Hashem says נחמו עמי, "Be comforted, my nation," as he sees our tears in exile. He understands the great connection that exists at the time the tears are flowing, and he is appeased and desirous of the Jewish Nation.

You can see that Moshe made his greatest requests at the time of greatest distance - after the sin of the Golden Calf. He requested then that Hashem teach his Attributes of Mercy and that He should travel with the Jewish Nation and not send an angel in his stead. He continued to ask, "And how will it indeed be known that I and your nation have found favor in your eyes? Only if you go with us. And I and your nation will be distinguished from all the nations in the face of the Earth." Rashi explains that Moshe was requesting that Hashem not rest the Schechinah any longer on the idolatrous nations.

How did Moshe have the chutzpah to speak in this manner after such a terrible sin? Was this a time of closeness like the giving of the Torah? Was the Nation in good standing with Hashem? They had been corrupted and their stature lowered. How did he have the gall to make such great requests?

The understanding is that when there is a rapprochement after anger a very caring feeling is created. Moshe found it to be an appropriate time to accomplish something great by awakening the eternal closeness between Israel and its Father in Heaven. Hashem was responsive to him, by saying, "Also that which you spoke I will do, for you have found favor in my eyes."

Additionally, Moshe established the way to ask Hashem for forgiveness. Since the fact is that we are dear to Hashem and that sin does not create distance, when a person does Teshuva after a sin, he then needs to have the ability and the strength to ask for things that he never would have thought of asking for at any other time.

Relationship of Give & Take: 3b

When he has these thoughts, the donor shines a bright light on the heart of the recipient. Previously ,when their relationship was superficial, the poor person wondered if he was really appreciated by the donor. Now, however, that their relationship has become deeper, since the donor realizes and emphasizes his own need for a relationship with the poor person, the stature of the recipient is fully grown.

Now the recipient can move on to the next step. He can speak from the depths of his heart on the basis of a real relationship. He knows the donor wants him, is happy with him and needs him. He feels that the praises that he is hearing from the donor are not just to raise his spirits, but are coming because of the real relationship they have.

At this point in time the relationship really begins; their hearts are one. They are on an equal footing and they are speaking face-to-face. There is no longer any hierarchy as to who must speak first, because the total connection - inside and outside - is a very settled feeling. This is the connection made at the end of Shemoneh Esray in the Brocha of Sim Shalom, when a person feel completely connected to Hashem, which beings him to all that which good and precious. He is truly serving his Creator as he has a face-to-face relationship with Him. "With the light of your face you have given us, Hashem our God, a living Torah, loving kindness, righteousness, blessing, mercy, life and peace and all that is good."

Relationship of Give & Take: 3a

All of this is still just a beginning. Now we need to get to the next step of relationship. Two people can unexpectedly meet each other, for example at a wedding, and  enjoy a good conversation. One may ask the other for advice, and they find it very enjoyable. But it is all superficial, there is no proactive desire to relate.

In our story, the poor person may feel that now that he has arrived the donor is happy to see him, but he absolutely does not believe that the donor wanted him to show up in the first place. Would the donor have invited him to come to his house in order to develop a relationship? There is still something lacking in the building-up of the recipient on the part of the donor. The relationship is still superficial.

To have a deeper connection, that the recipient knows that the giver needs him and craves a relationship with him soul-to-soul, there has to be a connection on a completely different level. The recipient should not feel like he needs the donor, rather the donor, on his own initiative, should make it clear that he greatly needs the poor person and would gladly invite him. This will instill in the heart of the poor person how significant he really is.Only then will his self-image be completely restored.

The donor needs first to instill in his own heart that the recipient is bringing benefits to himself. He can initiate the relationship only when he realizes how he was lacking until this poor person arrived and brought him goodness and light.

Relationship of Give & Take: 2

All of this is still a left-handed hug. Even after hearing the welcoming and generous words of the donor, the heart of the recipient refuses to believe that the donor is really happy to see him. He sits in his ragged clothes in the mansion of the donor and can't truly believe that the donor is happy to invite him in. He assumes that the donor is merely trying to make him feel better; nothing more. "He probably says this to every poor person who comes knocking at this door." Only if he truly believes that the donor is happy to see him will he feel himself enlightened and hugged by the right hand.

If the donor would turn to the poor person for advice or ask him to do a favor for him or really engage him in conversation, then the recipient would really feel that the donor is happy to see him. If the donor, rather than being filled with ego about his successes and knowledge, would instead feel that the poor person is a vehicle of the Shechinah, which has come to him with honesty and simplicity to show him an approach to life of which he was previously unaware, he could then cleanse himself of any twisted notions and breathe new life into himself. If he would communicate his appreciation of this to the poor person sitting in his living room, the poor person would feel the appreciation and feel very much built up.

Relationship of Give & Take: 1

A poor person can approach someone and request a donation and the donor can give it with impatience and get rid of him as quickly as possible. Alternatively, he might give him the donation in a way that the poor person won't see him and won't be embarrassed. The flaw in these approaches is that no relationship has been developed between the donor and the recipient. The donor got his Mitzvah, the poor person got his cash and the each go on their own way with no connection between them.

There is another possibility. The donor can greet the poor person with "I am so happy that you came," treat him in an honorable manner and invite him in. Even before listening to the poor person's tale of woe and suffering and his list of needs he can smile at him and let him know that his arrival is welcomed. "Your cause is very important to me. I have money set aside to help out people in your situation, and I appreciate your approaching me." This bright attitude raises the spirits of the poor person and helps him increase his self image as we have discussed earlier.